Syria Fundraising Update

Wow. I have been totally blown away.  My friends and family have been SO generous.

A few weeks ago I set a goal of raising $360 for refugees in Syria rather than receiving gifts.  I shared my heart for the need that Syrian refugees are in (read about it here) and I asked for others to come alongside this passion. 

You responded and gave! And I far exceeded my original goal thanks to your generosity! But my birthday hasn't come yet, and I'm still asking for more.  I raised my goal to $1200, which would be enough money to provide food and medicine for 60 children for a month. 

It's easy to just give money towards a cause and then forget about it later.  But I'm wishing and hoping that as you feel led to donate, that you are standing up and saying "ENOUGH." And I'm hoping that you know that this is investing in the lives of others around this world who need our help. 

Visit http://worldhelp.net/Syria to watch videos, read stories, and understand more about the crisis and what to do. Thank you for so generously giving your money, heart, and prayers. 

Pictures from http://blog.worldhelp.net/2013/08/syria-chemical-warfare-waged-on-the-innocent/

A good case of the Mondays

Can I just share something?

Today was a really great day. Not necessarily because my circumstances were awesome, but for the first time in a long, dry season that's been lasting months, I could actually recognize how good the Lord is and how sweet His blessings are.

My day shouldn't have started off well.  I went to bed REALLY late the night before doing laundry, and then woke up naturally on my own before my alarm went off.  But I wasn't cranky waking up. I finished the laundry from the night before, had a big cup of coffee, and even had time for some oatmeal. I spent quality time reading my Bible and in prayer for the first time in a week. Just that alone is enough to set my week off on the right foot.

Then, I walked to Convocation listening to one of my favorite sermons on my iPod. I was offered free coffee from my coworkers in the Center for Global Engagement as I was on my way to buy my own cup of coffee.  I got to hear a new worship song in Convo that moved me to tears, and then listened to a wise, challenging, and encouraging message from one of the greatest theologians of my generation.  I had a long day at work, but it was filled with meaningful conversations and tasks that are important for sending people to the mission field. 

I enjoyed relaxing time reading and napping in my hammock for the first time this school year.  I got to watch the beginnings of a beautiful sunset and feel a cool autumn breeze.  I had a picnic outside with dear friends and got to eat home cooked dinner.  I still felt His peace through multiple meetings throughout my night, and am currently so content under my warm comforter in my air conditioned room.

Monday was SO good. I'm sure that one day I'll write a post about how everything in my day went wrong, but today was just not one of those days, and I want to celebrate that. 

I think we have to learn to recognize Him in the things that seem little to us before we realize He's there in the big stuff too.  Count your blessings today. Live aware of the sweet blessings He's giving you. They're everywhere.

birthday month

Its my favorite holiday - my birthday!

If you've known me for the past couple of years, you know that my birthday is a more important holiday than Christmas. I start celebrating my birthday on the start of the month - September 1! As a kid, my mom would always give us a small present on our birthday month, and decorate our doors with streamers. I obsess over my birthday and want lots of presents!

But this year I knew that I wanted it to be different.  I've been doing a lot of things this year out of the convictions that God has placed on my heart, and knew that I wanted to use my birthday as a way to give to others rather than take for myself. I've been thinking a lot about how I can help others in need, and what better time to do that than during a month when I'm celebrating my life on earth?

This world is so much bigger than just me and my birthday month.  I can't sit back and continue ignoring the needs of the world when others are desperately waiting for us to act. 

"To whom much is given, much will be expected." -Luke 12:48

The crisis in Syria has been so heavy on my heart, especially since its been compared to the acts of genocide that happened in Rwanda not too long ago.  The United Nations Refugee Chief, Antonio Guterres said, "We have not seen a refugee outflow escalate at such a frightening rate since the Rwandan Genocide almost 20 years ago."  The Rwandan Genocide only lasted 100 days.  This Syrian Crisis has been going on for years, and really isn't ending any time soon.  During the Rwandan genocide, we failed to act and respond to the people in need. I don't want history to repeat itself, but it will if we don't do something about it. 

Here's what World Help said about the crisis in Syria.  They put it in better words than I could.

The nation of Syria is on the verge of complete collapse. The crisis began in March of 2011 in the wake of the Arab Spring and evolved into a bloody battle between the regime of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and various opposition forces.  Millions have fled to escape the slaughter that has already claimed the lives of more than 100,000 innocent civilians.  As the struggle for power continues, a humanitarian disaster of growing desperation threatens to swallow the entire region.

World Help, the organization that I went with to Rwanda, is heavily involved in providing aid for Syrian refugees. Vernon Brewer, the president and founder of the organization, visited the Syrian refugee camps multiple times and has been heavily involved in the crisis relief for the thousands of women and children that are in desperation. They are working on raising money to provide medicine, blankets, food, water, and shelter to those displaced in refugee camps. 

This is what I want for my birthday - to reach beyond my own borders and to do something that will last. 

Will you respond to those in need around the world?  Will you donate money to the refugees in need in honor of my birthday?

I'm trying to raise $360 by September 22. $360 is enough to provide food and medicine to twelve children for a month. Visit http://syria.worldhelp.net/kaylamaudsley to donate to this campaign, and visit worldhelp.net/syria to learn more about how World Help is involved in helping the Syrian Crisis.

the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.

lessons learned over the summer

So I didn't finish everything on my summer bucket list (or get close to finishing it!), but I did learn.  And now that I'm two weeks into school, and have been in Lynchburg for the past month, I can look back on it and see what I took away from summer.  It wasn't an easy summer by any means, but I'm still thankful for that season. So here are a few of the random things that I learned from summer 2013.

1. Older women are extremely wise.  There's something about getting advice from someone who's more mature than you, whether she's 40 years older, or 1 year older - she knows more. And its nice to just sit and listen and learn. And I loved every second that the older women in my life took to pour into me this summer.  I needed it.

2.  God can still use you when you don't deserve it. I barely spent any time with God this summer.  When I did, I did it out of a feeling of obligation, and not delight.  And when it was my turn to teach bible study, I was dreading it.  I wasn't worthy to teach the Bible. But ya know what? God used it.  And people learned from it. Not from me, from Him. I'm grateful for that.

3. Change is okay.  I'm going through a season of change (more on that later) and its not a bad thing.  I have a new fiance, a new job, a new load of classes, a new hall on a new part of campus, and a new leadership team. And while its taken a little while to get used to, its all good.

4. Wedding planning is really fun when you have the right perspective. More on this later too! But to put it plainly - its much more important to plan for marriage than to plan a wedding.

5. Wedding planning is also much more fun when you can do it with girlfriends.  There's only so much that Pinterest can do for you. There were moments during summer when I felt like no one had the time to be a part of planning, and that was okay, but it was so much more fun when friends could help me and give me advice. I loved their support and advice - I needed to make sure my ideas weren't crazy!

6. A dry season in your relationship with God is normal. And it can actually be a gift.

That's all for now, folks. More coming soon!

reflections on the Widows' Village

There have only been a few moments in my life that have happened in seconds but have changed my life forever.

I'm ready to share about one of them. My time in the Widows Village in Rwanda is one of the most cherished moments of my life.

One of the main activities we did for ministry in Rwanda was show love to the orphans, children, and widows by spending time with them.  We showed them love through playing with them, talking with them, and simply holding them.  Our leaders told us that the attention that we were able to show the children would be something that they remember forever. It truly felt like being the physical hands and feet of Christ. 

The Widow's Village was a government-provided area during the genocide that widows could live to be protected.  Since the genocide ended, it has stuck with that purpose.  Now, widows live there with their children and have a community there. 

The first day we went to the Widow's Village was highly anticipated.  Our bus had faced many different difficulties making it up the long, steep hill, where the widow's village rested on the top.  The widows and children could see our bus trekking up to them, so they waited even more anxiously for our arrival.

The first thing that happened as we stepped off the bus was a flood of children rushing to our side, grabbing our hands and latching onto them.  We hopped over a small ditch in the road, where the widows were all lined up.  As each member of the team hopped over we were immediately embraced by one woman after another.  They greeted us by saying "Maraho," or "Hello," and kissed our cheeks graciously.

We were all emotional - we were all overwhelmed by the love being shown to each other and by the community we already felt, despite the lack of understanding in language. 

We could hear children singing as we drove up the hill, and sure enough - there were at least 20 children proudly wearing their school uniform, gathered together in the middle of the village.  They were showing off what they had learned in school and sang their songs that they learned in English.  Some of the lyrics were: "I'm a little butterfly, in the air I fly, up up on the tree, I fly fly."  Others were "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes," with respective dance moves for all.   I don't think I've ever been more in love with a group of children. All of these kids had been sponsored to go to school at the Star School, and their songs and dance were evidence of what they were learning. 

We spent the afternoon playing with the children: trying to pronounce their names, teaching them dances, and just picking them up and holding them in our arms. As we drove away after our first day, the kids chased our bus down the rode, and our hearts broke in having the leave them.  But we knew that we'd be back in a few days.

Sure enough, the next time we headed up the long road to the Widow's Village, the kids started screaming and running towards us.  They had been waiting for us to return to them. 

We continued our typical activities - running, chasing, playing, laughing, holding, and cuddling with the children.  We all had our few kids who recognized us and stayed by our side, and my team members would continually play and chase the kids, and then take a rest by cuddling and holding them.  The kids loved running all over playing games and settling into the arms of all of us "mzungus," what they call "white person." 

Photos taken by Jimmy Thomas

On the last day in the Widow's Village, I met a new boy, who was 12 years old.  He was on the older side, and for a boy he was especially cuddly and close with me.  He spoke a little English, so I learned that his name was Eric and he was 12 years old.  We wanted to take pictures with me and hold my hand as our leader shared the gospel.  I'm used to my younger brothers, but neither of them had acted as needy as Eric was for his age.  Usually the teenage boys kept to themselves and would crack jokes, but he was sweet, kind, and needy for attention.  

We sat together through the whole message from our leader, and he paid close attention to every word.  Then, another leader shared with the group that was huddled together on the small hill that our team loved them very much and wanted to show them that by giving them each their own new t-shirt.  When Eric heard that, he squeezed my hand, turned and looked me in the eyes, and said in his accented English, "Thank you, thank you very much."

I couldn't help but start to cry.  I hugged him, and he held tight to me, and as I got up to help pass out t-shirts, he waited patiently to receive one from me. Everyone put their shirts on right away in proud ownership.  

Then, Eric grabbed my hand and pulled me toward a group of women standing in a group on the side.  He pointed his hand as a woman in the middle and said "Mom." He took me to introduce me to his mother! We embraced one another and kissed each others cheeks.  We could barely communicate, so we just smiled.  She thanked me for the t-shirts, and I feel so helpless.  I wanted to do so much more for her to show her that I loved her, but didn't know what to do.  I gave her the nail polish that I brought to paint the kids' nails, and she laughed at my gift to her.

Eric stayed close by my side as I played with the younger kids, and when it came time for us to leave the Village, my heart felt like it was breaking into millions of pieces.  Each kid stole my heart with their smiles, their laughter, and their innocence.  It broke me to know that many of them didn't have parents, didn't have food to eat, and didn't have money to go to school. 

Eric's simple "thank you" made me realize all the wealth and excess that I have.  Its not fair that I have been given so much undeservingly, while all he has is a new t-shirt to make him satisfied.

What have I done to deserve all that I have? Nothing.

What has Eric done to deserve the simple life he lives? Nothing.

Yet here I am, with everything, and continually wanting more, and there Eric and all of the other children are, thousands of miles away in Rwanda, not realizing the more that there is. Spending time in the Widows Village changed me and my time with those children is something that I remember all of the time.

My trip leader, Cyrus, told our team before we left for Rwanda that our time with the children in the Widow's Village was precious.  He said that when he returns to Rwanda, the kids ask about the people who had previously been there.  They continually ask for us and remember our names.  The time that we spend loving on those kids is some of the only love that they get to feel, and they cherish it forever. 

I think that its more important to think about the love that we can give, rather than the things we can get for ourselves. 

 

its a process

Do you ever feel as if you're stuck in the same place spiritually? Like you're committing the same sins over and over, and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to learn that lesson God is trying to teach you?

Lately I have been SO frustrated and confused about why I continuously commit the same sins over and over.  I've prayed the same prayers for forgiveness and confessed to other believers, and sometimes I think that God has probably been getting sick of me about it. 

But here's the amazing thing - He's not. It's impossible for me to wrap my mind around, because who wouldn't be frustrated with an incompetent person, repeating the same mistakes over and over?

God never gets tired of us.  He knows our weaknesses and failures.  He created us this way - Psalm 103 proves this and says "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.  For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (103:13-14).

There is grace for the ways we fail. 

I was reading something by Beth Moore and it totally comforted me in my frustration over my own sin.  She was sharing the way she adores her grandson and pays attention to his every move.  She knows when he first slept through the night, when he rolled over from his stomach to his back, and when we smiled for the first time.  She cherishes every moment of his growing process, and relates it to our relationship with God this way:

"I don't sit over Jackson impatiently and wish he were suddenly grown.  I celebrate every step he takes.  Why do we think our Heavenly Father, who designed our bodies, souls, and spirits to operate just as they do, would be any different? No, God doesn't enjoy any child's stubborn unwillingness to grow up any more than I'd enjoy Jackson still crawling at six years of age.  But I'm convinced God thoroughly relishes every hint of maturity even if we feel as if we're not making progress."

I love that analogy to watching a baby grow.  You never want to rush the process, and you don't get frustrated when a baby can't do things adults can do.  That's exactly how God views us.  He watches over us and enjoys the small ways we grow, and understands when we stumble. He celebrates every step we take - even the baby steps. 

He doesn't expect our first steps to be perfect.  Or our second. Or our third.  But in every step we take, God rejoices for us.

God is with us in our struggles with sin, and when we commit the same sins again and again, He will never condemn us for them.  Romans 8:1 says "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

If there's anything that I've learned this year, its that our relationship with God is a process, and He understands when we stumble from time to time.  He gets it when we can't seem to fully conquer a sin and have to struggle through it. 

But there's another part of this process we need to be aware of.  We always need to be striving for growth - whether we are failing over again and again or learning and succeeding quickly.  We can't settle where we are and apathetically expect God to be happy with us.  We can't become careless about our sins, and cheaply accept the grace of God without understanding how much it cost Him.  We need to draw near to God, pushing forward through the stumbling and failures, so that we're not taking advantage of that grace.

Our growth and maturity in God is a process.  We aren't going to be perfect, or even come close to that.

There's grace for our repeated sins and constant failures.  He doesn't give up on me, and He understands that I am dust.  Praise God.

Summer Bucket List

• Go on a bike ride
• Run 10 miles
• Fishing
• Watch a meteor shower
• Tie dye
• Sponge fight
• Watch all of the LOTR movies
• Sidewalk chalk
• Bowling
• Make my family breakfast
• Watch the sunrise on the beach
• S'mores!
• Pick berries and eat them
• Go on a picnic
• Camp out
• Play a board game
• Catch fireflies
• Root beer float
• Watch clouds
• Go to a baseball game
• Homemade banana split
• Dunkin Donuts run at midnight
• Make my own smoothie
• Iced coffee on my deck
• Wear a fake mustache all day
• Mini golf
• Read C.S. Lewis
• Play messy twister
• Make at least 5 recipes I've pinned
• Geocaching somewhere new
• Snail mail my friends :)
• Run a race
• Memorize 30 new verses of the Bible
• Day trip to NYC
• Day trip to Boston
• Paddle boarding
• Go to Mr. Chubbies for ice cream
• Go to Caffeine Coffee Shop in Sono
• Cranbury Park
• Crash a wedding
• Hike a mountain
• Beach volleyball
• Pull a prank

confessions of a retail saleswoman

Many of you know about my shopping fast that I began for the entire year of 2013 (read about it here).  The beginning of my problem with shopping really began when I started working at my local Gap store last summer and realized I got 50% off of almost everything in the store. I went crazy, and most of my paychecks usually went right back to my store.

Well, this summer I decided that I would go back and work again at the Gap, since I was guaranteed to be hired again.  Going back would be easy because I wouldn't have to job search and relearn a new position somewhere else.  Some of my friends warned me that it would be too hard to maintain my fast while working in retail and I should try to find a new job, but I told them it was going to be easy.

Easy. HA! I sure ate those words.

Going to work for the first time was my first real time in a clothing store since December. Being in a retail store (not to mention one of my favorite stores) for around five hours a day is incredibly hard.  The temptation to buy clothing is everywhere, and being there for so long has made me feel like I need clothes.  At first, all I thought about was how I needed new shorts, the tank tops I own had shrunk, and I could get whatever I wanted for a much cheaper price.  I literally prayed my way through my first day because I wanted to buy new clothes so bad.  Some days as I've helped people find clothing, I would pick out my favorite items for them just so I can vicariously shop through them.  Every single time I've worked, I walked out of the doors, breathed a huge sigh of relief, and thanked God for helping me make it through that day.  I'm so thankful that most of the days I've worked this past week I've been put in the Kids and Baby department, so there is a little less temptation to buy those clothes. :)

This definitely was not the easy choice this summer.  But I'm realizing that the more I work, the more I get used to being around the clothes, and the less I want to buy them.  My perspective is shifting, and instead of thinking about how cheap I could get shirts or jeans, I'm thinking about all of the money I'm going to be able to save by not spending it on clothing.  I'm also realizing how lucky and blessed I am to own so much already.

The difference is that last year, I went into this job selfishly last year, only thinking about getting the best clothing for a low price.  This year, I went into this job without that expectation, and instead, I go into work praying for my coworkers and for the people I'm going to serve as I work.  I pray for a joyful attitude, even though its hard being there.  I'm praying for God to help me control my spending, and sometimes that He would make my taste in clothing change ;)

And what do ya know - I'm actually enjoying my job a LOT more than I did last summer! Even without the benefit of cheaper clothing, I know that I'm going to get more out of this job than before.  This definitely isn't easy, but I know its the best thing for me right now. 

when you don't feel like having your quiet time

I have a confession to make:

There are a lot of times when I really don't feel like having a "quiet time," or spending time reading the Bible or in prayer.  There are a lot of times when I don't feel like going to church or acting "Christian" either.

I have another confession:

I hate admitting that I struggle with consistency in my quiet times.  And I usually don't admit it.  I fake it to myself, to others, and to God that I'm totally fine and not actually facing a season of dryness. I'm an RA at Liberty University, leading a hall of 60-70 girls, and have been a spiritual leader in my church at home in CT, so how could I admit that as such a responsible "leader" to others?  I have too much weighing on my reputation to confess that sometimes I can go weeks without cracking open my Bible.

But I'm posting this confession on the internet because I've learned a lot through this struggle, and as I continue to press on in the midst of feeling spiritually dry, I hope this helps someone who is struggling too.

Because we all go through it.  No one can be on a spiritual high forever.  We can't spend our lives on top of the mountain.  We grow from our times of dryness, our times of apathy, and our struggles.  This is the only way that God can test us, shape us, and sharpen us. 

I've been a Christian for eight years now, and I'm just now figuring out this pattern that I continually perform when I find myself in a season of apathy or spiritual dryness.

I can't even tell you how many times I have prolonged spending time with God because I've felt bad that I haven't given Him the time He deserved in the past.  I waited to come to Him until I had earned my way to Him again - until I was good enough for Him to listen to.

But that wasn't right.  I didn't have to wait to earn the right to be heard.  He knows that we fail Him and that we aren't good enough - we will never be good enough for Him.

So I turned my season of dryness into a cycle that has repeated itself more times than I can count - I stop having a daily quiet time because I don't feel like it, then the guilt of not giving God the time He deserves keeps me away from Him, and I don't go to Him again until I feel like I've been good enough to earn it.

From my own personal experiences, the only way to get through a season where you don't feel like spending time with God is to push through it.  A friend of mine once told me "fake it till you make it," and after thinking about it, I think that in this case it's true.  Keep having a quiet time - even if the whole time you're telling God how much you don't want to talking Him at the moment. 

Last week, I wrote this in my journal:

God, I'm going to be honest - right now I really just don't want to spend time with you.  I'm bored with you and I'm not excited by you anymore.  I want to spend time with you, but have no motivation to.  I try to force myself to spend time with you, but I really don't feel like it.
But you know what? Those honest words weren't a surprise to Him.  I can't hide behind a mask of "everything's fine" to Him when they're not.  He wants us to go to Him in the midst of apathy and spiritual drought.  He knows how we are anyways - why try to disguise it from God?

Another thing you can try when you don't feel like spending time with God is changing what you do for your usual quiet time.  I will go on a run outside and pray as I run, or listen to podcasts from some of my favorite pastors.  Sometimes I have to change what I'm reading in Scripture, or try reading another book altogether that might excite me about God again.

Or, try spending time with people who are thriving in their relationships with God.  Their love and passion for Him might rub off and make you want to improve your relationship with Him.

Overall, the best thing I've learned to do when I don't feel like having my quiet time is to push through those feelings and have it anyways.  Know that when you seek God and draw near to Him, He doesn't leave you there.  He reaches His arms out to wherever you are.

Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Endure through the feelings that fluctuate and prove your devotion to God by spending time in His Word when you don't want to.  Our feelings will change constantly, but God never does. 

And I know that God will once again give me the desire to want to spend time with Him.  But until then, I will press on and learn that my relationship with Him isn't based on how I feel about Him on a day to day basis. 

on humility and anxiety

This week is the last week of school, which means final exams and projects, packing up my life in a dorm room, moving my things into storage, as well as my RA responsibilities that come with the end of the year - making sure all 24 rooms and 70 girls are checked out of their rooms and have cleaned it to "white glove" standard.  The end of the semester also means final leadership team meetings, meetings with future leadership teams, organizing end-of-year projects with my Rwanda team, job interviews, final accountabilities with friends, oh and fitting in time to study for tests and write papers. Whoo. I'm tired just thinking about it all.

So the past week has been extremely stressful.  The other night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, and for one of the first times I experienced true anxiety.  My heart was beating fast and my mind was racing. How am I going to accomplish everything in just one week? How can I meet with all of these different people, do well on exams, turn in projects, pack my life up, and clean my whole room? 

I was freaking out that night because I was realizing that I can't. There is no way that I can get everything done, but there is nothing that I can cut out.  I have to do all of it, and meet with all of these people.   I had to try to force myself to stop thinking about my list of things to do so that I could sleep, but all of the thoughts kept running through my head until those thoughts wore me out. 

The next morning I was reading 1 Peter and was struck by verse 5-7, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 

Its not like this was the first time I had read these verses, but I think my eyes were finally opened to how to apply this to my life.  God loves the humble in heart and shows them grace.  He opposes the proud and they do not receive God's favor.  So, this makes me want to be humble in everything because I so badly want to receive God's grace and mercy.  I know that I am not perfect - and that is why I am humbled - I'm not always right and I fail so often.  I need God's grace because of all the mistakes I make every day, and through all of it I can't stand without Him.  I am humbled because I know I have done wrong, and I need God to make it right.  I want to be rid of all my pride so that I can have more of God's grace.  

The next part of the passage talks about casting anxiety on the Lord, but I think that the reason why we need to do that is because anxiety is a sign of pride, and God opposes the proud. 

Its crazy how humility and casting anxiety off are connected.  If I am anxious, then I am not trusting the Lord. I'm being prideful because I don't trust that God will take care of things - I am depending on myself to do things. 

Humility brings peace because it means that I am recognizing that accomplishing everything does not depend on me at all, and I am depending on the Lord. I am humbled because I realize how small I am, and how capable God is in handling it.  I cast my anxiety, which is prideful, off and pick up humility and peace, because I understand that I lay my pride and anxiety down to receive the grace that He gives through humility.  When I am humble, God gives me the grace to make mistakes and know that I don't have to be perfect. 

So, for all of you who are stressing about everything that you have to - take a deep breath, and understand that this season of busyness is not lasting.  It will be over soon! In the mean time, cast off anxiety and the pride that comes with it, and have humility facing your long to-do list.  It doesn't all depend on you.  God can handle it. 

one month later

It's been over a month since I got back from Rwanda.  I think I might be ready to write about it.

Many of you have heard me share my stories, so I thank you for coming back to this blog to read more about it after already listening. Talking about it helps me understand, but writing it down is totally different.  I don't want to mess it up.  I don't want to record someone's story in the wrong way. I don't know how to really express what I've seen and felt through typed words on a screen. I don't know what write, even though I had filled over half of a journal during my week in Rwanda. I know that this experience is something that I will remember for the rest of my life, and I'll always be learning from it. So how do I begin writing about something that has totally changed and wrecked my life?

I know I have to start somewhere.  Its been a month, and I may have stopped crying over my memories of Rwanda, but nothing about my longing for that country has faded away.  

Whenever I've been on a trip - whether its a family vacation or a missions trip - I always here people saying, "Can we just stay here forever?" It makes sense that people say that - they enjoy the new experience of being on a vacation or in an area that needs help, so they want to stay.  We don't want to go on living our normal lives, returning to the stress that is around us.  We joke around about missing our flight and how great it would be to stay, but we all know that the time will come for us leave our temporary trips and go back to our normal lives. 

But when I went to Rwanda, it was different.  The feelings I had were so much deeper than a fluffy desire to be in a vacation spot or the feeling of being needed in a desperate area.  I felt at home there.  The minute our plane landed, I felt peace, like it was where God had purposed me to be. And then the minute our plane took off to return to the US, I felt like my heart was being ripped out, like I was missing something, like I had left something behind.

Photo by Cyrus Mad-Bondo

During class one day, as I was thinking about the children and not the lecture that my professor was giving, I thought of Philippians 1:8, "For God is my witness, how I yearn for you with the affection of Christ Jesus."  This verse summarizes my feelings right now.  Its more than just missing the Rwandan people. Its more than not wanting to leave the country.  Its the knowledge that there are bigger things to be doing, and more important things to be thinking about.  Its a longing deep in my soul to be with them again. 

Photo by Jimmy Thomas

My reflections over the past few weeks have been of the children that I met there.  I played with dozens and dozens of orphans and children in the schools.  I want to make sure you know that my heart for those children goes much deeper than just having a nice picture with a cute kid.  I still hear their voices, I still feel their touch, and my arms feel too light not being able to hold them.  I think about them literally all the time - I go to bed thinking about them and praying for them and wake up in the morning doing the same.  When I see their faces, I remember that its not just a picture that I am looking at, or that seems nice in a frame.  They are real children, living real lives, thousands of miles away.  Each one has a story, a history. God created each one with unique passions and personalities.  When I see their faces, I think about that, so that they don't just become a memory that I had in college, but the first step in God working in my life to do something for them.  I believe that God has put it on my heart to be with them, to show them not only my love, but most importantly Christ's love as well.

I just don't know how yet.

So I continue to pray, to look at the pictures, and to miss them.  I know that I will see their faces again, and that brings me comfort and joy. 

Back in America

Hello readers! Just wanted to post something quick to let you know that I am back in America, safe and sound! I didn't get any form of sickness while I was gone, but I'm still getting over jet lag. 

Thank you SO much for all of your prayers.  I had no idea about all of the ways that I would learn, grow, and change while I was in Rwanda. Let me tell you, I am fired up and passionate about the way God is moving in Rwanda, and the things we need to do and have to do to continue His work. If you try to ask me how my trip went, you'll need to carve out about 5 hours for me to just scratch the surface.  My time in Africa has changed my life.

Over the next few months I'm sure I'll be sharing stories and experiences, but for now, I am taking time to process what has just happened over the past week.  Just a couple of the things I'm learning and still trying to process...

Forgiveness.

Family.

Joy.

Reconciliation.

Contentment.

Serving.

Giving.

Love.

Tragedy.

Peace.

Reliance.

Surrender.

Simplicity.

Hope.

I'm honestly still trying to process everything that I saw and experienced in Rwanda.  This is something that will move me for the rest of my life.  I am not the same person that I was before.

THIS TIME FOR AFRICA!

ITS HERE!

As you are reading this post, I am on a plane to RWANDA! I'll be back on the 17th, but until I return to the US, please be praying for me!

Here's how you can pray specifically:

1. Safety.  We spend about 4 of our 10 day trip traveling through driving and flying.  Pray for safety in flying, traveling in general, and protection of my entire team and our luggage.  Pray against flight delays and missed layovers.  We are leaving in the tail end of a winter storm, so pray for safety as we have a long drive to the airport, and a couple of long flights to Africa!

2. My team.  There are about 20 of us going together (17 of them are girls!!).  With that being said, pray against frustrations with team members, for grace and love to be shown in the midst of clashing personalities, and for total unity in the Lord.  Pray against cliques and pray that we would be willing and able to work together for the glory of God.

3. Health.  Praying that no one catches anything on the plane ride over.  Pray that our malaria pills won't cause any sickness (a bunch of us have already gotten nauseous from taking them).  Pray against any other disease or infection that could be caught while we are there.  Pray that we can all easily adjust with jet lag to the new time zone we will be in! Pray that we would not get sunburnt or dehydrated in the heat!

4. The people we will encounter. Pray for soft hearts to allow us into their lives, and for honesty and openness in sharing their stories.  Pray that they would welcome us and would see Christ shining through us.  Most of all, pray for healing, restoration, and reconciliation in their hearts against the people who have wronged them.  Pray that the widows would trust in God, and that the orphans would feel genuinely loved by Christ.  Let them understand the love that the Lord has for them, and be comforted and healed by Him, and not by our presence. Pray that we would listen to their stories with patience, understanding, and empathy.  May Jesus work through the people I am going to meet to minister to me. 

5. Strength in serving.   Pray that we will have the endurance to love on others even through feeling tired.  Pray that we would be willing to be Christ's hands and feet - loving the harder ones to love and serving the ones on the outskirts.  Pray that our time in Rwanda would be effective for the gospel.  Let us leave the legacy in Rwanda that we were loving and kind to everybody because of the Lord we received from God.  Pray that we would die to self and to our own comforts in order to be used by God. Pray that I would have an open heart, and a humble heart.  Pray for humility, ears to listen, eyes to see, and the heart to love.

6. Growth in the Lord.  Pray that me and my team would see God working not only in the lives of the Rwandan people, but also in our own hearts as well.  Let this trip be the stepping stone to how God wants us involved in missions, and let us bring home what we see and experience.  Let it be a trip that changes us for the rest of our lives. Let my heart be moved.

Listen to this song, and think of me :)

preparation

Some people have been asking me how I'm doing in preparing for this trip.
But how do you prepare for a trip that you've been looking forward to for over a year?!

How do you prepare your mind to see things you've never seen before, and aren't even sure what you're going to see?

How do you prepare your heart to take in the brokenness of a country destroyed by hatred?

How do you get ready to see hundreds, thousands, millions of grave stones of people who didn't deserve to die?

How do you prepare yourself to enter into a culture that is completely different from the one I've lived in my whole life?

How do you help bring restoration and healing to a country with deeply rooted pain in a matter of a week?

How do you prepare to serve God when you don't know exactly how?

You get as close to Jesus as possible.  He's the only One giving me peace, comfort, and assurance during this time of preparation. 

The only way to get ready for all of this is by spending as much as I can with Him in prayer.  I'm preparing for everything I'm going to experience by spending deep, intimate times of prayer with Him.  I feel closer to Him, and closer to Rwanda than ever. 

The other morning I was up early praying for Rwanda, and my heart was so overwhelmed with love for that country, those widows, and those orphans.  My heart feels as if it is already in Rwanda, and I haven't even gotten there yet.  As I spend time with Him, I feel the Lord filling me up with His love to pour out to the Rwandan people.  He is increasing my desire to serve Him and be used by Him.  

And as I pray and get closer to Jesus, I see how He has been preparing me for Rwanda for much longer than I know.  This was one of my favorite songs when I was a sophomore and junior in high school...who knew that the Lord was planting seeds of Rwanda in me from the start?!

When I asked one of my trip leaders what I could be doing to be preparing spiritually for my trip to Rwanda he told me "practice the presence of God."  I'm opening my eyes to see Him everywhere here, so that when I go over to Africa I'm even more aware of His evidence. I'm growing my habit of communicating continually with God, so that when I'm in Rwanda I pray all the more. 

When you really think about it, you realize that there's no way to really "prepare" for big things in your life.  You can try as hard as you can, but when the rubber hits the road, you just have to dive right into it.

expectations

I've never been on an international missions trip before, and I've never been to Africa before either.  So here are some of things I'm expecting next week:

• Heat and strong sun
• Dirt
• The African trees you always see in beautiful pictures
• Young orphans laughing and loving freely
• Hardened and bitter widows
• Mosquito nets and bugs buzzing in your ears at night
• Safari animals
• Rice and beans
• Dirty water
• Sickness
• Hunger
• Scarcity of food
• More children than adults
• Not many English speaking people
• Deep times of prayer and seeking the Lord
• Being smelly and sweaty
• Not showering much
• Listening to stories
• Real heartache and pain
• Memorials and grave sites
• Marketplace
• True joy in the lives of others
• Small, simple homes
• Hard, small beds
• Electricity?
• Rural setting
• Not many clothes
• Gratitude in the little things

I think its natural for me to have some expectations going into my trip to Rwanda.  But these are simple things aren't significant and I'm not getting hung up on them. They're based on stories I've heard, movies I've watched, and pictures I've seen. Whether these are things I actually see in Africa don't matter that much. 

There is one major thing I'm expectant of that I know will be fulfilled: God is going to do amazing things in Rwanda, and He is going to do even beyond what I expect. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21

prayers i'm praying

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
About easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, 

and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for 

justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed for those who suffer 

from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all they cherish, so that you
may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
 

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that 

you can make a difference in this world,so that you are able, 

with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,

Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who us our Brother and Savior,

and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you

and remain with you, this day and forevermore. Amen.

- A Franciscan Benediction (From A Hole in the Gospel)

"Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

and my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior."

- Oceans by Hillsong United

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much 

seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

- Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Source: blog.worldhelp.net

"I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted, 

and will execute justice for the needy." - Psalm 140:12

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." - John 14:18

Please keep me in your prayers as I leave for Rwanda this Thursday, March 7! I have been praying these prayers, and I'd appreciate if you would continue in praying these for me and my team as well.  

*Pictures are not my own and are taken from Pinterest.com

its official!

Wednesday was my final deadline for my fundraising for Rwanda...

I'm so incredibly blessed to say that I have raised ALL of the money that I needed, so I am OFFICIALLY GOING TO RWANDA!!!

The small country is located in the center and eastern part of Africa.

Raising the money for this trip has been such an awesome experience for me in learning how to trust in God's provision.  I pray for Rwanda every single day, and every time I pray, I ask God to provide all of my needs.  Every day as I prayed for Rwanda, I Each time I had a financial deadline, there seemed to be a pattern.  I would be running short of the money that I needed, and then at the very last second, much more money than what I needed would come in.  God didn't just give me what I needed - He gave an abundance.

And now, I have the $3675 that I needed raised...but the Lord didn't stop there.  God provided even more than I needed! He gave me an abundance of funds,  so now the extra money that I raise will help other people who are struggling to get money in. My God is not only the God who provides, but the God of abundance. 

I learned that just like God has led me every step of the way in other area of my life, He could lead me in the area of finances too.  Nothing is too much for Him - not even $3675.  I have so much gratitude during this time - I'm so thankful for the God who provides for all of my needs, and for the friends and family who have been so incredibly generous to me.

I'm not the only one with this story of abundance.  Another girl going on my trip, Katie, needed to raise over $1,000 going into the final week before our last deadline.  She ended up receiving an additional $400 over what she needed! My friend, Erin, is also going to Rwanda.  I saw her on the date that all of our money was due, and she still needed over $1,100.  We prayed together that day for God to bring in the funds she needed so that she could go on the trip.  We were asking for faith to believe that He could do abundantly more than we can ask - but I wasn't even expecting for God to move like He did.  A few hours later, Erin ran into my room and told me that she had raised the $1,100 that she needed! God provided for her in a matter of hours. How amazing is that?!  

Some of Scripture that has really been helpful in expressing my feelings during this time:

Source: http://be-the-change.tumblr.com/post/8414425453

"I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." - Psalm 13:6

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot." - Psalm 16:5

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." - Psalm 20:7

"My cup overflows." - Psalm 23:5

I am so undeserving of all the blessings that I've received.  I'm just so amazed by God's faithfulness and provision! And He is STILL providing so much more for me.

This is ACTUALLY happening.  I've been praying and thinking about this for SO long, but now its real. I'm really going to Rwanda!

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.^" - Ephesians 3:20-21

things that i love.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm sharing a few of the silly little things that I love.  They are in no particular order and this list is definitely not everything, just a random listing of the things that make me happy!

1. Turquoise.

Source: clker.com

2. Reading for fun.

Source: www.theproducersperspective.com

3. Running.

Source: lexleader.net

4. Coffee.

5. Tanner.

6. Worship.

Source: heartfeltmusic.org

7. Being tan.

Haha....just kidding.

8. Acoustic music.

Source: musicwalls.org

9. Blogging.

Source: favim.com

10. Shopping.

Source: www.packagingsource.com

11. Preparing Bible lessons.

12. Bookshops.

Source: www.newyorker.com

13. Starbucks.

14. Chocolate raspberry anything.

15. RA Group.

16. Beth Moore.

Source: www.oneplace.com

17. Scarves.

18. Seven.

Source: www.lynnehartke.com

19. Beauty and the Beast

Source: www.disneydreaming.com

 20. My family

 

 

*Disclaimer: pictures are not my own!!