the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.