5 lessons i'm learning in winter

As I described earlier in my blog post on winter, I have felt myself going to through a dry season in my relationship with God, where I don't feel like spending time with Him, and when I do, I don't feel like I'm learning anything.

I know I can't be the only one walking through this season, so here are some lessons that I'm learning in the midst of it. These are the thoughts that I have as I persevere:

1. God understands the place I am in, and He does not condemn me for it. He is, in fact, comforting me as He tests me, and it is for my own good. 

2. I'm learning how to not base my faith on my emotion. This is something I've learned so many times before, but now, on a deeper level.  I'm learning to press on even when I don't feel like it.  Because I'm not always going to "feel" like doing things that are good for me, and spending time with Jesus is no different. 

3. I'm still in this season because I have to learn something that God could not teach me in any other way.  During the winter, God is sharpening us and working on us, but we can't see it until the spring.  

4. As I said before, I can't be the only one walking through a winter season in my faith.  All Christians go through season like this one. I'm not abnormal for not feeling motivated to spend time with God.  It doesn't mean that we're bad Christians because we feel distant.  Being honest about this season with others makes me realize that I'm not alone in it.  

5. This season will surely pass. Winter will not last forever. Spring will come. And surely, it is on its way.  "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43:19. 

What is something you've learned after coming out of a dry, wintery season? What is something you wish you had known while you were walking through it?

the winter of my faith

I'm sitting in my kitchen early this morning.  It is currently 4 degrees outside, and for the past two days I've stayed home, bundled up inside due to the snow storm "Hercules" that brought Connecticut a fresh foot of snow. 

To me, snow is nice for a few hours, and after that I'm done with it. Then, you try to go outside and realize you should have warmed up your car before you had to leave.  You wear layers, and always wish your winter jacket was a little bit warmer and a little bit more fashionable.  Last night, I couldn't sleep because I kept debating whether I should get up to get gloves to keep my fingers warm. The roads are icy and dangerous. The once magical snowfall that brought joy to children because of cancelled classes, is now filthy and slushy from finally being plowed. 

I'm not a huge fan of winter.

Sure, I love Christmas and scarves and hot coffee.  But this winter, I'm reminded so much more of why it is the most difficult and hard season.

For the past 6 months I've been going through a season in my faith that I have been calling "winter." 

I've been calling it winter because, like the weather season we're in now, things have gotten dark in my faith, my heart seems cold towards His word, and things that used to be exciting and lively are now dead.  God seems absent, just like the warmth of the weather outside. 

This season is full of testing and difficulty.  God is the only one who can help me endure through it, but He seems like the hardest one to talk to.

The winter of my faith has been marked by feelings of discouragement, absence, and cold-heartedness.  

Winter is the season where God tests you in order to make your faith stronger and to draw you closer to Him, but you just can't understand why it's so hard.

If you've been a Christian for some time, you either have gone through a season that is like this, or you will go through it if you haven't already. I have gone through a period in my faith like this multiple times before, however this time has seemed like the longest and most difficult one. 

Source: pivotcon.com

We will all endure through seasons of winter.  Its a part of life, and God definitely uses hard and difficult seasons to actually draw you closer to Him. You don't have to be ashamed of feeling distant from God, or for enduring trials that make it hard to feel God's joy.  The Bible even shares stories about people who go through a wintery season in their life.  Lamentations 3:16-18:

He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.”

Teeth grinding, ashes, lack of peace, and forgetting happiness. I don't think it can get much worse than that.  Almost every person spoken about in the Bible has gone through a period of trials.  Ever read the book of Psalms? Its filled with honest prayers that express the difficulty of a dry season, where God seems hard to reach.  Even Jesus questioned, "God, why have you forsaken me?"

But as I reflect on this season, I'm reminded that the winter can still be beautiful. Winter is beautiful because of what comes when winter is over: Spring.

Spring. New life. A fresh start. Resurrection.  Death is overcome, and life begins again.

And just a few sentences after the words about teeth grinding and endurance perishing, Lamentations 3:21-23 brings some of the most encouraging and hopeful words I have ever heard:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Spring is the new mercies coming in the morning. Spring comes when your faith is revived, and you suddenly realize that winter had to be endured for spring to be so sweet. 

My spring hasn't come yet.  I pray for it to come daily.  But, even though this winter seems to be one of the hardest seasons I've gone through and it has seemed like it is never going to end, the truth is that spring is coming.

And spring is worth the wait of a long, dreary, cold, dead winter. 

Source: http://blessedmama-wouldntchangeathing.blogspot.com/2013/01/never-cut-tree-down-in-wintertime.html


*Disclaimer: The idea of "seasons" and "winter" was from an incredible sermon by Miles Welch.  He preached a 5 week series called "Seasons of the Soul," which is available for free from 12 Stone Church on iTunes.   This ideas in this post are not originally my own, but have been adapted from his teaching. 

What I learned from fasting

2013 has come to an end, and with that has come the end of my shopping fast for the year.  If this is the first time you're hearing about this, read what I felt God pressing me to do for the past year on my post here.

I would have never thought I could have gone a year without shopping.  There were times when I considered myself "cheating" by buying new clothes for special occasions, but friends and family have reassured me that buying a new outfit for engagement pictures is acceptable. ;) Over the past year, I've been amazed by the generosity of my friends and family, some of them who may not even realize how they've inspired me.  My best friend Lexie, my fiance Tanner, and my sweet mom have bought me clothes this year when I wasn't expecting it, and so deeply encouraged me through that.  So many friends and mentors have encouraged and challenged me through my fast, and I learned from their wisdom and prayers for me. 

I definitely learned a lot from this fast, but overall, I wish that right now I felt differently.   This was the longest fast I've ever done, and it was definitely also one of the hardest things I've ever done.  By this point, I honestly expected myself to not even want to go shopping.  I thought that by fasting for a year, I wouldn't have a desire to spend loads of money on clothes that I probably don't need.  But honestly, today all I'm thinking is about when is the soonest time I can get to a mall.

Not to say I didn't learn anything.  I do have to say that I'm extremely proud of myself for actually following through on this and not giving up when it was difficult.  I learned that I don't need everything that I see.  I learned that its better to trust God with my needs than to provide them myself.  I learned what my needs truly are.  I learned that self-control is better than instant gratification, and money is better spent on more meaningful things.  I learned that simplicity is better than excess. 

I don't think its bad that I want to go shopping.  But every time I think about buying something, I think about how I could better spend the money. I've seen people across the world who barely have anything, yet I live with so much more than I need.   I'm living in a first world, but with the needs of the third world so heavy on my heart.  I'm still figuring out this balance in my life. 

By not buying clothes, I saved money and was able to use it for different purchases.  Not trying to toot my own horn, but I was able to start sponsoring a child in Rwanda, donate generously to different causes, raise money for people in need around the world, and give meaningful gifts to friends and family by honoring them as I donate to world relief organizations. The fact that I was able to use my money more effectively was something I wasn't expecting during this year, and if that's all that I get out of this year-long fast, I'm more than satisfied. 

This year, I want to continue the lifestyle I've been living.  I will continue fasting on the first day of every month to refocusing my heart on the Lord and trust and surrender to Him.  I will also continue to be generous to others by giving sacrificially each month.  

Overall, I want to live more simply, and live with less.

Syria Fundraising Update

Wow. I have been totally blown away.  My friends and family have been SO generous.

A few weeks ago I set a goal of raising $360 for refugees in Syria rather than receiving gifts.  I shared my heart for the need that Syrian refugees are in (read about it here) and I asked for others to come alongside this passion. 

You responded and gave! And I far exceeded my original goal thanks to your generosity! But my birthday hasn't come yet, and I'm still asking for more.  I raised my goal to $1200, which would be enough money to provide food and medicine for 60 children for a month. 

It's easy to just give money towards a cause and then forget about it later.  But I'm wishing and hoping that as you feel led to donate, that you are standing up and saying "ENOUGH." And I'm hoping that you know that this is investing in the lives of others around this world who need our help. 

Visit http://worldhelp.net/Syria to watch videos, read stories, and understand more about the crisis and what to do. Thank you for so generously giving your money, heart, and prayers. 

Pictures from http://blog.worldhelp.net/2013/08/syria-chemical-warfare-waged-on-the-innocent/

A good case of the Mondays

Can I just share something?

Today was a really great day. Not necessarily because my circumstances were awesome, but for the first time in a long, dry season that's been lasting months, I could actually recognize how good the Lord is and how sweet His blessings are.

My day shouldn't have started off well.  I went to bed REALLY late the night before doing laundry, and then woke up naturally on my own before my alarm went off.  But I wasn't cranky waking up. I finished the laundry from the night before, had a big cup of coffee, and even had time for some oatmeal. I spent quality time reading my Bible and in prayer for the first time in a week. Just that alone is enough to set my week off on the right foot.

Then, I walked to Convocation listening to one of my favorite sermons on my iPod. I was offered free coffee from my coworkers in the Center for Global Engagement as I was on my way to buy my own cup of coffee.  I got to hear a new worship song in Convo that moved me to tears, and then listened to a wise, challenging, and encouraging message from one of the greatest theologians of my generation.  I had a long day at work, but it was filled with meaningful conversations and tasks that are important for sending people to the mission field. 

I enjoyed relaxing time reading and napping in my hammock for the first time this school year.  I got to watch the beginnings of a beautiful sunset and feel a cool autumn breeze.  I had a picnic outside with dear friends and got to eat home cooked dinner.  I still felt His peace through multiple meetings throughout my night, and am currently so content under my warm comforter in my air conditioned room.

Monday was SO good. I'm sure that one day I'll write a post about how everything in my day went wrong, but today was just not one of those days, and I want to celebrate that. 

I think we have to learn to recognize Him in the things that seem little to us before we realize He's there in the big stuff too.  Count your blessings today. Live aware of the sweet blessings He's giving you. They're everywhere.

birthday month

Its my favorite holiday - my birthday!

If you've known me for the past couple of years, you know that my birthday is a more important holiday than Christmas. I start celebrating my birthday on the start of the month - September 1! As a kid, my mom would always give us a small present on our birthday month, and decorate our doors with streamers. I obsess over my birthday and want lots of presents!

But this year I knew that I wanted it to be different.  I've been doing a lot of things this year out of the convictions that God has placed on my heart, and knew that I wanted to use my birthday as a way to give to others rather than take for myself. I've been thinking a lot about how I can help others in need, and what better time to do that than during a month when I'm celebrating my life on earth?

This world is so much bigger than just me and my birthday month.  I can't sit back and continue ignoring the needs of the world when others are desperately waiting for us to act. 

"To whom much is given, much will be expected." -Luke 12:48

The crisis in Syria has been so heavy on my heart, especially since its been compared to the acts of genocide that happened in Rwanda not too long ago.  The United Nations Refugee Chief, Antonio Guterres said, "We have not seen a refugee outflow escalate at such a frightening rate since the Rwandan Genocide almost 20 years ago."  The Rwandan Genocide only lasted 100 days.  This Syrian Crisis has been going on for years, and really isn't ending any time soon.  During the Rwandan genocide, we failed to act and respond to the people in need. I don't want history to repeat itself, but it will if we don't do something about it. 

Here's what World Help said about the crisis in Syria.  They put it in better words than I could.

The nation of Syria is on the verge of complete collapse. The crisis began in March of 2011 in the wake of the Arab Spring and evolved into a bloody battle between the regime of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and various opposition forces.  Millions have fled to escape the slaughter that has already claimed the lives of more than 100,000 innocent civilians.  As the struggle for power continues, a humanitarian disaster of growing desperation threatens to swallow the entire region.

World Help, the organization that I went with to Rwanda, is heavily involved in providing aid for Syrian refugees. Vernon Brewer, the president and founder of the organization, visited the Syrian refugee camps multiple times and has been heavily involved in the crisis relief for the thousands of women and children that are in desperation. They are working on raising money to provide medicine, blankets, food, water, and shelter to those displaced in refugee camps. 

This is what I want for my birthday - to reach beyond my own borders and to do something that will last. 

Will you respond to those in need around the world?  Will you donate money to the refugees in need in honor of my birthday?

I'm trying to raise $360 by September 22. $360 is enough to provide food and medicine to twelve children for a month. Visit http://syria.worldhelp.net/kaylamaudsley to donate to this campaign, and visit worldhelp.net/syria to learn more about how World Help is involved in helping the Syrian Crisis.

the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.