the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.

lessons learned over the summer

So I didn't finish everything on my summer bucket list (or get close to finishing it!), but I did learn.  And now that I'm two weeks into school, and have been in Lynchburg for the past month, I can look back on it and see what I took away from summer.  It wasn't an easy summer by any means, but I'm still thankful for that season. So here are a few of the random things that I learned from summer 2013.

1. Older women are extremely wise.  There's something about getting advice from someone who's more mature than you, whether she's 40 years older, or 1 year older - she knows more. And its nice to just sit and listen and learn. And I loved every second that the older women in my life took to pour into me this summer.  I needed it.

2.  God can still use you when you don't deserve it. I barely spent any time with God this summer.  When I did, I did it out of a feeling of obligation, and not delight.  And when it was my turn to teach bible study, I was dreading it.  I wasn't worthy to teach the Bible. But ya know what? God used it.  And people learned from it. Not from me, from Him. I'm grateful for that.

3. Change is okay.  I'm going through a season of change (more on that later) and its not a bad thing.  I have a new fiance, a new job, a new load of classes, a new hall on a new part of campus, and a new leadership team. And while its taken a little while to get used to, its all good.

4. Wedding planning is really fun when you have the right perspective. More on this later too! But to put it plainly - its much more important to plan for marriage than to plan a wedding.

5. Wedding planning is also much more fun when you can do it with girlfriends.  There's only so much that Pinterest can do for you. There were moments during summer when I felt like no one had the time to be a part of planning, and that was okay, but it was so much more fun when friends could help me and give me advice. I loved their support and advice - I needed to make sure my ideas weren't crazy!

6. A dry season in your relationship with God is normal. And it can actually be a gift.

That's all for now, folks. More coming soon!