the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.

reflections on the Widows' Village

There have only been a few moments in my life that have happened in seconds but have changed my life forever.

I'm ready to share about one of them. My time in the Widows Village in Rwanda is one of the most cherished moments of my life.

One of the main activities we did for ministry in Rwanda was show love to the orphans, children, and widows by spending time with them.  We showed them love through playing with them, talking with them, and simply holding them.  Our leaders told us that the attention that we were able to show the children would be something that they remember forever. It truly felt like being the physical hands and feet of Christ. 

The Widow's Village was a government-provided area during the genocide that widows could live to be protected.  Since the genocide ended, it has stuck with that purpose.  Now, widows live there with their children and have a community there. 

The first day we went to the Widow's Village was highly anticipated.  Our bus had faced many different difficulties making it up the long, steep hill, where the widow's village rested on the top.  The widows and children could see our bus trekking up to them, so they waited even more anxiously for our arrival.

The first thing that happened as we stepped off the bus was a flood of children rushing to our side, grabbing our hands and latching onto them.  We hopped over a small ditch in the road, where the widows were all lined up.  As each member of the team hopped over we were immediately embraced by one woman after another.  They greeted us by saying "Maraho," or "Hello," and kissed our cheeks graciously.

We were all emotional - we were all overwhelmed by the love being shown to each other and by the community we already felt, despite the lack of understanding in language. 

We could hear children singing as we drove up the hill, and sure enough - there were at least 20 children proudly wearing their school uniform, gathered together in the middle of the village.  They were showing off what they had learned in school and sang their songs that they learned in English.  Some of the lyrics were: "I'm a little butterfly, in the air I fly, up up on the tree, I fly fly."  Others were "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes," with respective dance moves for all.   I don't think I've ever been more in love with a group of children. All of these kids had been sponsored to go to school at the Star School, and their songs and dance were evidence of what they were learning. 

We spent the afternoon playing with the children: trying to pronounce their names, teaching them dances, and just picking them up and holding them in our arms. As we drove away after our first day, the kids chased our bus down the rode, and our hearts broke in having the leave them.  But we knew that we'd be back in a few days.

Sure enough, the next time we headed up the long road to the Widow's Village, the kids started screaming and running towards us.  They had been waiting for us to return to them. 

We continued our typical activities - running, chasing, playing, laughing, holding, and cuddling with the children.  We all had our few kids who recognized us and stayed by our side, and my team members would continually play and chase the kids, and then take a rest by cuddling and holding them.  The kids loved running all over playing games and settling into the arms of all of us "mzungus," what they call "white person." 

Photos taken by Jimmy Thomas

On the last day in the Widow's Village, I met a new boy, who was 12 years old.  He was on the older side, and for a boy he was especially cuddly and close with me.  He spoke a little English, so I learned that his name was Eric and he was 12 years old.  We wanted to take pictures with me and hold my hand as our leader shared the gospel.  I'm used to my younger brothers, but neither of them had acted as needy as Eric was for his age.  Usually the teenage boys kept to themselves and would crack jokes, but he was sweet, kind, and needy for attention.  

We sat together through the whole message from our leader, and he paid close attention to every word.  Then, another leader shared with the group that was huddled together on the small hill that our team loved them very much and wanted to show them that by giving them each their own new t-shirt.  When Eric heard that, he squeezed my hand, turned and looked me in the eyes, and said in his accented English, "Thank you, thank you very much."

I couldn't help but start to cry.  I hugged him, and he held tight to me, and as I got up to help pass out t-shirts, he waited patiently to receive one from me. Everyone put their shirts on right away in proud ownership.  

Then, Eric grabbed my hand and pulled me toward a group of women standing in a group on the side.  He pointed his hand as a woman in the middle and said "Mom." He took me to introduce me to his mother! We embraced one another and kissed each others cheeks.  We could barely communicate, so we just smiled.  She thanked me for the t-shirts, and I feel so helpless.  I wanted to do so much more for her to show her that I loved her, but didn't know what to do.  I gave her the nail polish that I brought to paint the kids' nails, and she laughed at my gift to her.

Eric stayed close by my side as I played with the younger kids, and when it came time for us to leave the Village, my heart felt like it was breaking into millions of pieces.  Each kid stole my heart with their smiles, their laughter, and their innocence.  It broke me to know that many of them didn't have parents, didn't have food to eat, and didn't have money to go to school. 

Eric's simple "thank you" made me realize all the wealth and excess that I have.  Its not fair that I have been given so much undeservingly, while all he has is a new t-shirt to make him satisfied.

What have I done to deserve all that I have? Nothing.

What has Eric done to deserve the simple life he lives? Nothing.

Yet here I am, with everything, and continually wanting more, and there Eric and all of the other children are, thousands of miles away in Rwanda, not realizing the more that there is. Spending time in the Widows Village changed me and my time with those children is something that I remember all of the time.

My trip leader, Cyrus, told our team before we left for Rwanda that our time with the children in the Widow's Village was precious.  He said that when he returns to Rwanda, the kids ask about the people who had previously been there.  They continually ask for us and remember our names.  The time that we spend loving on those kids is some of the only love that they get to feel, and they cherish it forever. 

I think that its more important to think about the love that we can give, rather than the things we can get for ourselves. 

 

one month later

It's been over a month since I got back from Rwanda.  I think I might be ready to write about it.

Many of you have heard me share my stories, so I thank you for coming back to this blog to read more about it after already listening. Talking about it helps me understand, but writing it down is totally different.  I don't want to mess it up.  I don't want to record someone's story in the wrong way. I don't know how to really express what I've seen and felt through typed words on a screen. I don't know what write, even though I had filled over half of a journal during my week in Rwanda. I know that this experience is something that I will remember for the rest of my life, and I'll always be learning from it. So how do I begin writing about something that has totally changed and wrecked my life?

I know I have to start somewhere.  Its been a month, and I may have stopped crying over my memories of Rwanda, but nothing about my longing for that country has faded away.  

Whenever I've been on a trip - whether its a family vacation or a missions trip - I always here people saying, "Can we just stay here forever?" It makes sense that people say that - they enjoy the new experience of being on a vacation or in an area that needs help, so they want to stay.  We don't want to go on living our normal lives, returning to the stress that is around us.  We joke around about missing our flight and how great it would be to stay, but we all know that the time will come for us leave our temporary trips and go back to our normal lives. 

But when I went to Rwanda, it was different.  The feelings I had were so much deeper than a fluffy desire to be in a vacation spot or the feeling of being needed in a desperate area.  I felt at home there.  The minute our plane landed, I felt peace, like it was where God had purposed me to be. And then the minute our plane took off to return to the US, I felt like my heart was being ripped out, like I was missing something, like I had left something behind.

Photo by Cyrus Mad-Bondo

During class one day, as I was thinking about the children and not the lecture that my professor was giving, I thought of Philippians 1:8, "For God is my witness, how I yearn for you with the affection of Christ Jesus."  This verse summarizes my feelings right now.  Its more than just missing the Rwandan people. Its more than not wanting to leave the country.  Its the knowledge that there are bigger things to be doing, and more important things to be thinking about.  Its a longing deep in my soul to be with them again. 

Photo by Jimmy Thomas

My reflections over the past few weeks have been of the children that I met there.  I played with dozens and dozens of orphans and children in the schools.  I want to make sure you know that my heart for those children goes much deeper than just having a nice picture with a cute kid.  I still hear their voices, I still feel their touch, and my arms feel too light not being able to hold them.  I think about them literally all the time - I go to bed thinking about them and praying for them and wake up in the morning doing the same.  When I see their faces, I remember that its not just a picture that I am looking at, or that seems nice in a frame.  They are real children, living real lives, thousands of miles away.  Each one has a story, a history. God created each one with unique passions and personalities.  When I see their faces, I think about that, so that they don't just become a memory that I had in college, but the first step in God working in my life to do something for them.  I believe that God has put it on my heart to be with them, to show them not only my love, but most importantly Christ's love as well.

I just don't know how yet.

So I continue to pray, to look at the pictures, and to miss them.  I know that I will see their faces again, and that brings me comfort and joy. 

Back in America

Hello readers! Just wanted to post something quick to let you know that I am back in America, safe and sound! I didn't get any form of sickness while I was gone, but I'm still getting over jet lag. 

Thank you SO much for all of your prayers.  I had no idea about all of the ways that I would learn, grow, and change while I was in Rwanda. Let me tell you, I am fired up and passionate about the way God is moving in Rwanda, and the things we need to do and have to do to continue His work. If you try to ask me how my trip went, you'll need to carve out about 5 hours for me to just scratch the surface.  My time in Africa has changed my life.

Over the next few months I'm sure I'll be sharing stories and experiences, but for now, I am taking time to process what has just happened over the past week.  Just a couple of the things I'm learning and still trying to process...

Forgiveness.

Family.

Joy.

Reconciliation.

Contentment.

Serving.

Giving.

Love.

Tragedy.

Peace.

Reliance.

Surrender.

Simplicity.

Hope.

I'm honestly still trying to process everything that I saw and experienced in Rwanda.  This is something that will move me for the rest of my life.  I am not the same person that I was before.

THIS TIME FOR AFRICA!

ITS HERE!

As you are reading this post, I am on a plane to RWANDA! I'll be back on the 17th, but until I return to the US, please be praying for me!

Here's how you can pray specifically:

1. Safety.  We spend about 4 of our 10 day trip traveling through driving and flying.  Pray for safety in flying, traveling in general, and protection of my entire team and our luggage.  Pray against flight delays and missed layovers.  We are leaving in the tail end of a winter storm, so pray for safety as we have a long drive to the airport, and a couple of long flights to Africa!

2. My team.  There are about 20 of us going together (17 of them are girls!!).  With that being said, pray against frustrations with team members, for grace and love to be shown in the midst of clashing personalities, and for total unity in the Lord.  Pray against cliques and pray that we would be willing and able to work together for the glory of God.

3. Health.  Praying that no one catches anything on the plane ride over.  Pray that our malaria pills won't cause any sickness (a bunch of us have already gotten nauseous from taking them).  Pray against any other disease or infection that could be caught while we are there.  Pray that we can all easily adjust with jet lag to the new time zone we will be in! Pray that we would not get sunburnt or dehydrated in the heat!

4. The people we will encounter. Pray for soft hearts to allow us into their lives, and for honesty and openness in sharing their stories.  Pray that they would welcome us and would see Christ shining through us.  Most of all, pray for healing, restoration, and reconciliation in their hearts against the people who have wronged them.  Pray that the widows would trust in God, and that the orphans would feel genuinely loved by Christ.  Let them understand the love that the Lord has for them, and be comforted and healed by Him, and not by our presence. Pray that we would listen to their stories with patience, understanding, and empathy.  May Jesus work through the people I am going to meet to minister to me. 

5. Strength in serving.   Pray that we will have the endurance to love on others even through feeling tired.  Pray that we would be willing to be Christ's hands and feet - loving the harder ones to love and serving the ones on the outskirts.  Pray that our time in Rwanda would be effective for the gospel.  Let us leave the legacy in Rwanda that we were loving and kind to everybody because of the Lord we received from God.  Pray that we would die to self and to our own comforts in order to be used by God. Pray that I would have an open heart, and a humble heart.  Pray for humility, ears to listen, eyes to see, and the heart to love.

6. Growth in the Lord.  Pray that me and my team would see God working not only in the lives of the Rwandan people, but also in our own hearts as well.  Let this trip be the stepping stone to how God wants us involved in missions, and let us bring home what we see and experience.  Let it be a trip that changes us for the rest of our lives. Let my heart be moved.

Listen to this song, and think of me :)

preparation

Some people have been asking me how I'm doing in preparing for this trip.
But how do you prepare for a trip that you've been looking forward to for over a year?!

How do you prepare your mind to see things you've never seen before, and aren't even sure what you're going to see?

How do you prepare your heart to take in the brokenness of a country destroyed by hatred?

How do you get ready to see hundreds, thousands, millions of grave stones of people who didn't deserve to die?

How do you prepare yourself to enter into a culture that is completely different from the one I've lived in my whole life?

How do you help bring restoration and healing to a country with deeply rooted pain in a matter of a week?

How do you prepare to serve God when you don't know exactly how?

You get as close to Jesus as possible.  He's the only One giving me peace, comfort, and assurance during this time of preparation. 

The only way to get ready for all of this is by spending as much as I can with Him in prayer.  I'm preparing for everything I'm going to experience by spending deep, intimate times of prayer with Him.  I feel closer to Him, and closer to Rwanda than ever. 

The other morning I was up early praying for Rwanda, and my heart was so overwhelmed with love for that country, those widows, and those orphans.  My heart feels as if it is already in Rwanda, and I haven't even gotten there yet.  As I spend time with Him, I feel the Lord filling me up with His love to pour out to the Rwandan people.  He is increasing my desire to serve Him and be used by Him.  

And as I pray and get closer to Jesus, I see how He has been preparing me for Rwanda for much longer than I know.  This was one of my favorite songs when I was a sophomore and junior in high school...who knew that the Lord was planting seeds of Rwanda in me from the start?!

When I asked one of my trip leaders what I could be doing to be preparing spiritually for my trip to Rwanda he told me "practice the presence of God."  I'm opening my eyes to see Him everywhere here, so that when I go over to Africa I'm even more aware of His evidence. I'm growing my habit of communicating continually with God, so that when I'm in Rwanda I pray all the more. 

When you really think about it, you realize that there's no way to really "prepare" for big things in your life.  You can try as hard as you can, but when the rubber hits the road, you just have to dive right into it.

expectations

I've never been on an international missions trip before, and I've never been to Africa before either.  So here are some of things I'm expecting next week:

• Heat and strong sun
• Dirt
• The African trees you always see in beautiful pictures
• Young orphans laughing and loving freely
• Hardened and bitter widows
• Mosquito nets and bugs buzzing in your ears at night
• Safari animals
• Rice and beans
• Dirty water
• Sickness
• Hunger
• Scarcity of food
• More children than adults
• Not many English speaking people
• Deep times of prayer and seeking the Lord
• Being smelly and sweaty
• Not showering much
• Listening to stories
• Real heartache and pain
• Memorials and grave sites
• Marketplace
• True joy in the lives of others
• Small, simple homes
• Hard, small beds
• Electricity?
• Rural setting
• Not many clothes
• Gratitude in the little things

I think its natural for me to have some expectations going into my trip to Rwanda.  But these are simple things aren't significant and I'm not getting hung up on them. They're based on stories I've heard, movies I've watched, and pictures I've seen. Whether these are things I actually see in Africa don't matter that much. 

There is one major thing I'm expectant of that I know will be fulfilled: God is going to do amazing things in Rwanda, and He is going to do even beyond what I expect. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21

prayers i'm praying

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
About easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, 

and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for 

justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed for those who suffer 

from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all they cherish, so that you
may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
 

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that 

you can make a difference in this world,so that you are able, 

with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,

Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who us our Brother and Savior,

and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you

and remain with you, this day and forevermore. Amen.

- A Franciscan Benediction (From A Hole in the Gospel)

"Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

and my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior."

- Oceans by Hillsong United

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much 

seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

- Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Source: blog.worldhelp.net

"I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted, 

and will execute justice for the needy." - Psalm 140:12

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." - John 14:18

Please keep me in your prayers as I leave for Rwanda this Thursday, March 7! I have been praying these prayers, and I'd appreciate if you would continue in praying these for me and my team as well.  

*Pictures are not my own and are taken from Pinterest.com

its official!

Wednesday was my final deadline for my fundraising for Rwanda...

I'm so incredibly blessed to say that I have raised ALL of the money that I needed, so I am OFFICIALLY GOING TO RWANDA!!!

The small country is located in the center and eastern part of Africa.

Raising the money for this trip has been such an awesome experience for me in learning how to trust in God's provision.  I pray for Rwanda every single day, and every time I pray, I ask God to provide all of my needs.  Every day as I prayed for Rwanda, I Each time I had a financial deadline, there seemed to be a pattern.  I would be running short of the money that I needed, and then at the very last second, much more money than what I needed would come in.  God didn't just give me what I needed - He gave an abundance.

And now, I have the $3675 that I needed raised...but the Lord didn't stop there.  God provided even more than I needed! He gave me an abundance of funds,  so now the extra money that I raise will help other people who are struggling to get money in. My God is not only the God who provides, but the God of abundance. 

I learned that just like God has led me every step of the way in other area of my life, He could lead me in the area of finances too.  Nothing is too much for Him - not even $3675.  I have so much gratitude during this time - I'm so thankful for the God who provides for all of my needs, and for the friends and family who have been so incredibly generous to me.

I'm not the only one with this story of abundance.  Another girl going on my trip, Katie, needed to raise over $1,000 going into the final week before our last deadline.  She ended up receiving an additional $400 over what she needed! My friend, Erin, is also going to Rwanda.  I saw her on the date that all of our money was due, and she still needed over $1,100.  We prayed together that day for God to bring in the funds she needed so that she could go on the trip.  We were asking for faith to believe that He could do abundantly more than we can ask - but I wasn't even expecting for God to move like He did.  A few hours later, Erin ran into my room and told me that she had raised the $1,100 that she needed! God provided for her in a matter of hours. How amazing is that?!  

Some of Scripture that has really been helpful in expressing my feelings during this time:

Source: http://be-the-change.tumblr.com/post/8414425453

"I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." - Psalm 13:6

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot." - Psalm 16:5

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." - Psalm 20:7

"My cup overflows." - Psalm 23:5

I am so undeserving of all the blessings that I've received.  I'm just so amazed by God's faithfulness and provision! And He is STILL providing so much more for me.

This is ACTUALLY happening.  I've been praying and thinking about this for SO long, but now its real. I'm really going to Rwanda!

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.^" - Ephesians 3:20-21

feeling grateful

This past week has been really tough.  It s been really busy and I've been constantly going from one thing to another.  In the midst of such a crazy week, I've faced some discouragement and disappointment.  That's why I want to take some time to thank a good friend of mine who blessed me so much by giving me such a meaningful gift. 

My friend, Katie, stopped by my room one night this week and gave me this beautiful purse.  It was handmade in Rwanda, and all of the money paid for the bag goes towards the Restore Rwanda fund. The name of the woman who sewed this purse is written inside, so I'm constantly carrying a piece of Rwanda with me. Hopefully, when I go to Rwanda, I can meet the woman who made my bag!

I've wanted to buy one of these bags for awhile, but since I'm doing a shopping fast (read about it here) I didn't buy one for myself.  Katie is one of the members of my Rwanda missions trip team, so she knows how much Rwanda means to me, and wanted to bless me with a gift in the midst of my fast. 

Receiving gifts makes me feel so loved.  Whether someone buys me a cup of coffee or a big birthday present, knowing that someone thought of me is so meaningful.  This may sound strange, but having someone spend money on me is such a sign of sacrificial love to me.  She gave it to me in the midst of a hard time, so I felt all the more loved and cared for. I felt so encouraged by the Lord after receiving this because I know that I am so undeserving of anything, but He delights in blessing me anyways.

This will be something that I cherish for a long time.  Thank you, Katie, for being such a faithful friend and a generous servant!

DO something.

Well, I watched Hotel Rwanda for the first time tonight.

My heart hurts.

Its not just that it's a sad movie.  Its because its a REAL movie.  There were ACTUALLY one million people MURDERED.  Innocent people.  Children. Parents. Neighbors. Friends. Gone. People killed simply because some years back, they were given a race by random choice and without a say. 

I was prepared to see shocking images of corpses, and desperate fleeing people.  I've already seen them because I've done research.  I've read articles, looked at pictures, and watched videos about this.  But the thing that shocked me the most that I didn't know before was the response from other countries in reaction to the genocide.  Or should I say, lack of response.  Hotel Rwanda showed the way that Rwanda really was left alone, to fend for themselves.  

I read an old article from The New York Times that was written in 1994 during the genocide.  On June 10, 1994, right in the middle of it all, American leaders instructed our spokesmen not to call what was happening a 'genocide.'  They announced that "acts of genocide may have occurred," implying that there wasn't enough to label it with such a weighty title.  At the time that was said, there were already up to 400,000 dead.  Since there isn't anything "in it" for America, we turned our heads, and allowed this massacre to happen.  The article's exact words said, "Without oil or other resources as a rationale, the case for military intervention would have to be based on whether ending the killing is worth the cost in American lives and dollars."  Read the rest of the NY Times article here.

As I cried after the movie ended (yes, I bawled my eyes out), I was crying because no one came to save the helpless.  It hurts so much to know that people would rather let innocent people die than lift their finger to help them.  Almost 20 years ago, NO ONE did anything.  No one was courageous enough to send help. And because no one did anything, another Holocaust occurred in Rwanda.  The Rwanda Genocide ACTUALLY happened, and so many people STILL don't know about it.

Things like this are hard to talk about because its sensitive and it hurts.  We love to stay in our little comfortable spaces, and to push anything away that comes too close to our safety zones. This is not okay.  We HAVE to stop turning our heads at injustices happening around the world.  It is our responsibility, ESPECIALLY as Christians, to fight for the people who are helpless. 

It scares me to think about all of the things that I've turned my head at too.  I definitely can't say I've totally looked out for the needs of others. But I'm learning to stop turning my head at the things that hurt.  I need to experience the pain of others because sometimes, that's the only thing that moves me to do something. And now, I'm done. I'm done pushing aside the hard things.  And I'm ready to DO SOMETHING about injustice, brokenness, and pain happening around me.

A good friend told me about my hurting heart for Rwanda, "Let it hurt.  It hurts God's heart too." So I'm gonna let my heart hurt, and I'm gonna let myself cry over this country, because its better than ignoring the pain around me.  I'm so thankful to have a God of hope that is also broken over the hurt in our world.  I'm going to pray for Rwanda, and the one million orphans and widows left in that country every single day. I'm so privileged to be going to go to Rwanda to do something about this.

I'm reminding myself of this calling in Isaiah 61 that God gives us.  And I'm getting ready to do these things in Rwanda. 

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, 

because the Lord has anointed me 

to bring good news to the poor; 

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 

to proclaim liberty to the captives, 

and the opening of the prison 

to those who are bound; 

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, 

and the day of vengeance of our God; 

to comfort all who mourn; 

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, 

the oil of gladness instead of mourning, 

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; 

that they may be called oaks of righteousness, 

the planting of the Lord, 

that he may be glorified." 

- Isaiah 61:1-3

Will you do something with me for Rwanda? Will you help me raise the funds that I need to go? Will you pray for me as I prepare to go to Rwanda and minister to the orphans and widows directly affected by the genocide? Will you pray for my team and I to have courage while we are there? Will you pray for the healing of the wounded hearts of the Rwandan orphans and widows? Leave a comment if you'd like to find out how to donate to my missions trip, and if you'll commit to praying to me.

rwanda: part two

I returned to school in January 2012 with a fresh heart.  I was still praying for Rwanda on a consistent basis but had no idea why God had put that place on my heart. 

During on of the first few Convocations of the year, they played a video about a new project that Liberty was starting.  The name of the project? Restore Rwanda.

I absolutely lost it.  I realized now why God had me praying for this country.

I learned that Rwanda has experienced an abundance of tragedies in the early 90s that left it completely shattered.  A rebel group called the Rwanda Patriotic Front started a civil war in 1990, which led to a state-orchestrated genocide in April 1994.  In 100 days, Rwandan rebels had killed one million of their own citizens.   

If you do the math, that's 6 men, women, and children being murdered every minute of every hour of every day for 100 days.

50,000 women became widows. And one million children became orphans.

Although the war and genocide are long over, Rwanda is still facing repercussions of the tragedy today.  The country is still in desperate need of healing, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  

My heart was absolutely broken for Rwanda. My eyes had been opened, and I had a burning desire to do something about this.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to go to Rwanda to help with the healing in that broken nation.  So, I did what I had already been doing for a month - prayed and prayed and prayed for a chance to go to Rwanda. 

Fast forward 7 months to August. I had been consistently praying for the widows and orphans of Rwanda. I had also been praying for an opportunity to go to Rwanda so that I could help heal the hearts of the broken widows and orphans.

To keep this from dragging on, I went to Light Ministries meeting for the missions trips they would be having this year.   When I saw Rwanda on that list, I lost it. God had answered my prayers! I have never been so sure about anything in my life than that God wants me to go to Rwanda.  

To top it off, at the meeting, all they shared for the description for the trip to Rwanda was James 1:27, the verse that inspired this whole experience. 

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I didn't realize how God had been preparing my heart for the plan He had for me in Rwanda and I am beyond thankful, excited, and humbled.

rwanda: part one

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." - James 1:27

This verse has meant so much to me over the past year.  Last December (one year ago), I studied the book of James and was totally shaken by this verse. Looking after orphans and widows was definitely not something that I had been doing. 

I have a heart for missions, but at the time, I didn't feel any desire or need for it in my life.  I've been on 3 missions trips to New Orleans, and there will always be a special place in my heart for that city.  But last December, I realized that I had let not just missions but all of the needs of others stay on the back burner in my life.

I saw people moved by the need for the gospel in other countries, but for some reason I just wasn't moved in the same way others were.  It wasn't that I didn't feel for others or that I didn't like missions, it was just that I felt like I didn't need to do anything.  Or that it was someone else's "calling" to support it.  The lost, the broken, the hungry, the thirsty, and the poor were all being ignored in my life. I felt no desire to go overseas, and I was perfectly comfortable in my little Christian bubble life. 

James 1:27 quickly woke me up to how apathetic my heart had become in this area.  This is one of those times in Scripture where you would be totally stupid to NOT take it literally.  Do I want pure and faultless religion? YES! Am I taking care of widows and orphans in distress? Oh....uhh...

Its laid out SO plainly in this verse: if I wanted to have a pure and blameless relationship with God, caring for the broken must be essential in my life.  If I'm not caring for others in need, then my religion, my Christianity, my faith is useless. 

Since I was in a place of apathy about this, I started to pray for a compassionate heart. I prayed for God to make me uncomfortable ignoring the needs of others, and to put something in my path that I truly was concerned about.  I began allowing God to break my heart to the things that break His. 

So I prayed. And let me tell you - it did not take long for God to start powerfully stirring something in me. 

One day as I was praying for compassion in my life for missions, I felt God whispering something simple to me: Rwanda. This country was pressed on my heart so heavily, and I knew that it could only be from the Lord. I also knew it had to be from God and not something I had thought up myself because I was clueless about Rwanda. I had no idea where this country was, what had happened there, or what it needed. But I felt for it so strongly in my heart.

So I kept praying for Rwanda.  I prayed blindly for a little while, not knowing what to pray for or what it was like there now.  But I couldn't remain blind for long because I wasn't the only one that God was stirring up for Rwanda.