5 lessons i'm learning in winter

As I described earlier in my blog post on winter, I have felt myself going to through a dry season in my relationship with God, where I don't feel like spending time with Him, and when I do, I don't feel like I'm learning anything.

I know I can't be the only one walking through this season, so here are some lessons that I'm learning in the midst of it. These are the thoughts that I have as I persevere:

1. God understands the place I am in, and He does not condemn me for it. He is, in fact, comforting me as He tests me, and it is for my own good. 

2. I'm learning how to not base my faith on my emotion. This is something I've learned so many times before, but now, on a deeper level.  I'm learning to press on even when I don't feel like it.  Because I'm not always going to "feel" like doing things that are good for me, and spending time with Jesus is no different. 

3. I'm still in this season because I have to learn something that God could not teach me in any other way.  During the winter, God is sharpening us and working on us, but we can't see it until the spring.  

4. As I said before, I can't be the only one walking through a winter season in my faith.  All Christians go through season like this one. I'm not abnormal for not feeling motivated to spend time with God.  It doesn't mean that we're bad Christians because we feel distant.  Being honest about this season with others makes me realize that I'm not alone in it.  

5. This season will surely pass. Winter will not last forever. Spring will come. And surely, it is on its way.  "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43:19. 

What is something you've learned after coming out of a dry, wintery season? What is something you wish you had known while you were walking through it?

the winter of my faith

I'm sitting in my kitchen early this morning.  It is currently 4 degrees outside, and for the past two days I've stayed home, bundled up inside due to the snow storm "Hercules" that brought Connecticut a fresh foot of snow. 

To me, snow is nice for a few hours, and after that I'm done with it. Then, you try to go outside and realize you should have warmed up your car before you had to leave.  You wear layers, and always wish your winter jacket was a little bit warmer and a little bit more fashionable.  Last night, I couldn't sleep because I kept debating whether I should get up to get gloves to keep my fingers warm. The roads are icy and dangerous. The once magical snowfall that brought joy to children because of cancelled classes, is now filthy and slushy from finally being plowed. 

I'm not a huge fan of winter.

Sure, I love Christmas and scarves and hot coffee.  But this winter, I'm reminded so much more of why it is the most difficult and hard season.

For the past 6 months I've been going through a season in my faith that I have been calling "winter." 

I've been calling it winter because, like the weather season we're in now, things have gotten dark in my faith, my heart seems cold towards His word, and things that used to be exciting and lively are now dead.  God seems absent, just like the warmth of the weather outside. 

This season is full of testing and difficulty.  God is the only one who can help me endure through it, but He seems like the hardest one to talk to.

The winter of my faith has been marked by feelings of discouragement, absence, and cold-heartedness.  

Winter is the season where God tests you in order to make your faith stronger and to draw you closer to Him, but you just can't understand why it's so hard.

If you've been a Christian for some time, you either have gone through a season that is like this, or you will go through it if you haven't already. I have gone through a period in my faith like this multiple times before, however this time has seemed like the longest and most difficult one. 

Source: pivotcon.com

We will all endure through seasons of winter.  Its a part of life, and God definitely uses hard and difficult seasons to actually draw you closer to Him. You don't have to be ashamed of feeling distant from God, or for enduring trials that make it hard to feel God's joy.  The Bible even shares stories about people who go through a wintery season in their life.  Lamentations 3:16-18:

He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.”

Teeth grinding, ashes, lack of peace, and forgetting happiness. I don't think it can get much worse than that.  Almost every person spoken about in the Bible has gone through a period of trials.  Ever read the book of Psalms? Its filled with honest prayers that express the difficulty of a dry season, where God seems hard to reach.  Even Jesus questioned, "God, why have you forsaken me?"

But as I reflect on this season, I'm reminded that the winter can still be beautiful. Winter is beautiful because of what comes when winter is over: Spring.

Spring. New life. A fresh start. Resurrection.  Death is overcome, and life begins again.

And just a few sentences after the words about teeth grinding and endurance perishing, Lamentations 3:21-23 brings some of the most encouraging and hopeful words I have ever heard:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Spring is the new mercies coming in the morning. Spring comes when your faith is revived, and you suddenly realize that winter had to be endured for spring to be so sweet. 

My spring hasn't come yet.  I pray for it to come daily.  But, even though this winter seems to be one of the hardest seasons I've gone through and it has seemed like it is never going to end, the truth is that spring is coming.

And spring is worth the wait of a long, dreary, cold, dead winter. 

Source: http://blessedmama-wouldntchangeathing.blogspot.com/2013/01/never-cut-tree-down-in-wintertime.html


*Disclaimer: The idea of "seasons" and "winter" was from an incredible sermon by Miles Welch.  He preached a 5 week series called "Seasons of the Soul," which is available for free from 12 Stone Church on iTunes.   This ideas in this post are not originally my own, but have been adapted from his teaching. 

A good case of the Mondays

Can I just share something?

Today was a really great day. Not necessarily because my circumstances were awesome, but for the first time in a long, dry season that's been lasting months, I could actually recognize how good the Lord is and how sweet His blessings are.

My day shouldn't have started off well.  I went to bed REALLY late the night before doing laundry, and then woke up naturally on my own before my alarm went off.  But I wasn't cranky waking up. I finished the laundry from the night before, had a big cup of coffee, and even had time for some oatmeal. I spent quality time reading my Bible and in prayer for the first time in a week. Just that alone is enough to set my week off on the right foot.

Then, I walked to Convocation listening to one of my favorite sermons on my iPod. I was offered free coffee from my coworkers in the Center for Global Engagement as I was on my way to buy my own cup of coffee.  I got to hear a new worship song in Convo that moved me to tears, and then listened to a wise, challenging, and encouraging message from one of the greatest theologians of my generation.  I had a long day at work, but it was filled with meaningful conversations and tasks that are important for sending people to the mission field. 

I enjoyed relaxing time reading and napping in my hammock for the first time this school year.  I got to watch the beginnings of a beautiful sunset and feel a cool autumn breeze.  I had a picnic outside with dear friends and got to eat home cooked dinner.  I still felt His peace through multiple meetings throughout my night, and am currently so content under my warm comforter in my air conditioned room.

Monday was SO good. I'm sure that one day I'll write a post about how everything in my day went wrong, but today was just not one of those days, and I want to celebrate that. 

I think we have to learn to recognize Him in the things that seem little to us before we realize He's there in the big stuff too.  Count your blessings today. Live aware of the sweet blessings He's giving you. They're everywhere.

the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.

its a process

Do you ever feel as if you're stuck in the same place spiritually? Like you're committing the same sins over and over, and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to learn that lesson God is trying to teach you?

Lately I have been SO frustrated and confused about why I continuously commit the same sins over and over.  I've prayed the same prayers for forgiveness and confessed to other believers, and sometimes I think that God has probably been getting sick of me about it. 

But here's the amazing thing - He's not. It's impossible for me to wrap my mind around, because who wouldn't be frustrated with an incompetent person, repeating the same mistakes over and over?

God never gets tired of us.  He knows our weaknesses and failures.  He created us this way - Psalm 103 proves this and says "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.  For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (103:13-14).

There is grace for the ways we fail. 

I was reading something by Beth Moore and it totally comforted me in my frustration over my own sin.  She was sharing the way she adores her grandson and pays attention to his every move.  She knows when he first slept through the night, when he rolled over from his stomach to his back, and when we smiled for the first time.  She cherishes every moment of his growing process, and relates it to our relationship with God this way:

"I don't sit over Jackson impatiently and wish he were suddenly grown.  I celebrate every step he takes.  Why do we think our Heavenly Father, who designed our bodies, souls, and spirits to operate just as they do, would be any different? No, God doesn't enjoy any child's stubborn unwillingness to grow up any more than I'd enjoy Jackson still crawling at six years of age.  But I'm convinced God thoroughly relishes every hint of maturity even if we feel as if we're not making progress."

I love that analogy to watching a baby grow.  You never want to rush the process, and you don't get frustrated when a baby can't do things adults can do.  That's exactly how God views us.  He watches over us and enjoys the small ways we grow, and understands when we stumble. He celebrates every step we take - even the baby steps. 

He doesn't expect our first steps to be perfect.  Or our second. Or our third.  But in every step we take, God rejoices for us.

God is with us in our struggles with sin, and when we commit the same sins again and again, He will never condemn us for them.  Romans 8:1 says "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

If there's anything that I've learned this year, its that our relationship with God is a process, and He understands when we stumble from time to time.  He gets it when we can't seem to fully conquer a sin and have to struggle through it. 

But there's another part of this process we need to be aware of.  We always need to be striving for growth - whether we are failing over again and again or learning and succeeding quickly.  We can't settle where we are and apathetically expect God to be happy with us.  We can't become careless about our sins, and cheaply accept the grace of God without understanding how much it cost Him.  We need to draw near to God, pushing forward through the stumbling and failures, so that we're not taking advantage of that grace.

Our growth and maturity in God is a process.  We aren't going to be perfect, or even come close to that.

There's grace for our repeated sins and constant failures.  He doesn't give up on me, and He understands that I am dust.  Praise God.

its official!

Wednesday was my final deadline for my fundraising for Rwanda...

I'm so incredibly blessed to say that I have raised ALL of the money that I needed, so I am OFFICIALLY GOING TO RWANDA!!!

The small country is located in the center and eastern part of Africa.

Raising the money for this trip has been such an awesome experience for me in learning how to trust in God's provision.  I pray for Rwanda every single day, and every time I pray, I ask God to provide all of my needs.  Every day as I prayed for Rwanda, I Each time I had a financial deadline, there seemed to be a pattern.  I would be running short of the money that I needed, and then at the very last second, much more money than what I needed would come in.  God didn't just give me what I needed - He gave an abundance.

And now, I have the $3675 that I needed raised...but the Lord didn't stop there.  God provided even more than I needed! He gave me an abundance of funds,  so now the extra money that I raise will help other people who are struggling to get money in. My God is not only the God who provides, but the God of abundance. 

I learned that just like God has led me every step of the way in other area of my life, He could lead me in the area of finances too.  Nothing is too much for Him - not even $3675.  I have so much gratitude during this time - I'm so thankful for the God who provides for all of my needs, and for the friends and family who have been so incredibly generous to me.

I'm not the only one with this story of abundance.  Another girl going on my trip, Katie, needed to raise over $1,000 going into the final week before our last deadline.  She ended up receiving an additional $400 over what she needed! My friend, Erin, is also going to Rwanda.  I saw her on the date that all of our money was due, and she still needed over $1,100.  We prayed together that day for God to bring in the funds she needed so that she could go on the trip.  We were asking for faith to believe that He could do abundantly more than we can ask - but I wasn't even expecting for God to move like He did.  A few hours later, Erin ran into my room and told me that she had raised the $1,100 that she needed! God provided for her in a matter of hours. How amazing is that?!  

Some of Scripture that has really been helpful in expressing my feelings during this time:

Source: http://be-the-change.tumblr.com/post/8414425453

"I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." - Psalm 13:6

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot." - Psalm 16:5

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." - Psalm 20:7

"My cup overflows." - Psalm 23:5

I am so undeserving of all the blessings that I've received.  I'm just so amazed by God's faithfulness and provision! And He is STILL providing so much more for me.

This is ACTUALLY happening.  I've been praying and thinking about this for SO long, but now its real. I'm really going to Rwanda!

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.^" - Ephesians 3:20-21

more than you can handle

Christians use a lot of funny cliches.  One of my favorites and probably the most popular is "God never gives you more than you can handle." 

But I don't think that's true.

I think that God always gives you more than you can handle.

If we were only given what we are able to handle, we wouldn't need to turn to God for anything.  We wouldn't need His help because we'd be able to do things by ourselves. 

But that's not what God intends for us. 

I've found that the times I'm the closest to God are the times that I'm struggling the most.  I turn to God when I'm most desperate, and I seek Him more because I need Him more. But when things are going fine and I don't need God to help me with big things, I don't think of Him as much.

Since God loves to have relationships with us, wouldn't it make sense that He put challenges in our lives to make us depend on Him? God wants us to know Him, so I think He allows trials bigger than we can handle so that we would ask Him for help.

God wants us to rely in Him.  That's why Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  He wants us to trust in Him because He cares so much for us. 

He knows us and He understands our weaknesses: "For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust" (Psalm 103:13).  So why do we try to hold onto cliches like "God doesn't give your more than you can handle" instead of just admitting that we don't have it all together?

Because we don't like admitting that we can't handle it. We want to be strong, independent, and capable of handling any challenge that is thrown at us.  We don't like to appear weak, or worse, admitting we are weak. 

But that's the paradox about God. I think that God gives us more than we can handle because that's the only way He gets our attention.  When we have too much on our plate, we have to pass it on to someone else.  God wants to be that help!  

Paul got it right when he said "I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

He wants us to come running to Him, admitting we are weak, and that we don't have it all together.  He doesn't want us to rely on ourselves to handle it all.  That's why He gives us more than we can handle - we weren't meant to handle our troubles without Him. And He loves when we let Him take care of it all.

He gives us more than we can handle, so we can let Him handle it.

DO something.

Well, I watched Hotel Rwanda for the first time tonight.

My heart hurts.

Its not just that it's a sad movie.  Its because its a REAL movie.  There were ACTUALLY one million people MURDERED.  Innocent people.  Children. Parents. Neighbors. Friends. Gone. People killed simply because some years back, they were given a race by random choice and without a say. 

I was prepared to see shocking images of corpses, and desperate fleeing people.  I've already seen them because I've done research.  I've read articles, looked at pictures, and watched videos about this.  But the thing that shocked me the most that I didn't know before was the response from other countries in reaction to the genocide.  Or should I say, lack of response.  Hotel Rwanda showed the way that Rwanda really was left alone, to fend for themselves.  

I read an old article from The New York Times that was written in 1994 during the genocide.  On June 10, 1994, right in the middle of it all, American leaders instructed our spokesmen not to call what was happening a 'genocide.'  They announced that "acts of genocide may have occurred," implying that there wasn't enough to label it with such a weighty title.  At the time that was said, there were already up to 400,000 dead.  Since there isn't anything "in it" for America, we turned our heads, and allowed this massacre to happen.  The article's exact words said, "Without oil or other resources as a rationale, the case for military intervention would have to be based on whether ending the killing is worth the cost in American lives and dollars."  Read the rest of the NY Times article here.

As I cried after the movie ended (yes, I bawled my eyes out), I was crying because no one came to save the helpless.  It hurts so much to know that people would rather let innocent people die than lift their finger to help them.  Almost 20 years ago, NO ONE did anything.  No one was courageous enough to send help. And because no one did anything, another Holocaust occurred in Rwanda.  The Rwanda Genocide ACTUALLY happened, and so many people STILL don't know about it.

Things like this are hard to talk about because its sensitive and it hurts.  We love to stay in our little comfortable spaces, and to push anything away that comes too close to our safety zones. This is not okay.  We HAVE to stop turning our heads at injustices happening around the world.  It is our responsibility, ESPECIALLY as Christians, to fight for the people who are helpless. 

It scares me to think about all of the things that I've turned my head at too.  I definitely can't say I've totally looked out for the needs of others. But I'm learning to stop turning my head at the things that hurt.  I need to experience the pain of others because sometimes, that's the only thing that moves me to do something. And now, I'm done. I'm done pushing aside the hard things.  And I'm ready to DO SOMETHING about injustice, brokenness, and pain happening around me.

A good friend told me about my hurting heart for Rwanda, "Let it hurt.  It hurts God's heart too." So I'm gonna let my heart hurt, and I'm gonna let myself cry over this country, because its better than ignoring the pain around me.  I'm so thankful to have a God of hope that is also broken over the hurt in our world.  I'm going to pray for Rwanda, and the one million orphans and widows left in that country every single day. I'm so privileged to be going to go to Rwanda to do something about this.

I'm reminding myself of this calling in Isaiah 61 that God gives us.  And I'm getting ready to do these things in Rwanda. 

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, 

because the Lord has anointed me 

to bring good news to the poor; 

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 

to proclaim liberty to the captives, 

and the opening of the prison 

to those who are bound; 

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, 

and the day of vengeance of our God; 

to comfort all who mourn; 

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, 

the oil of gladness instead of mourning, 

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; 

that they may be called oaks of righteousness, 

the planting of the Lord, 

that he may be glorified." 

- Isaiah 61:1-3

Will you do something with me for Rwanda? Will you help me raise the funds that I need to go? Will you pray for me as I prepare to go to Rwanda and minister to the orphans and widows directly affected by the genocide? Will you pray for my team and I to have courage while we are there? Will you pray for the healing of the wounded hearts of the Rwandan orphans and widows? Leave a comment if you'd like to find out how to donate to my missions trip, and if you'll commit to praying to me.

new year.

I already know that 2013 is going to be a big year.

• Rwanda. First time in Africa.

• Running my first half marathon. Eeek!

• Being a bridesmaid for the first time.

• Dating my best friend Tanner for four years. Where has the time gone?

• Starting my Senior year of college.

• Multiple friends getting married this summer.

There is so much that I have already planned for 2013 that I know will leave major marks in my life. But I also know that there is SO much more that the Lord wants to do.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I am doing a new thing..." - Isaiah 43:18-19

So, as I look ahead to this year, I am inviting God in to do the new things that He wants to.  I know His ways are more than I can imagine, and I want to see the amazing and unbelievable things that He is able to do in 2013.  I want Him to do more than I can ask or imagine.  I want His power to stun me and leave me in awe.  And most of all, I want to get deeper into His presence and grow closer to Him than I ever have before.

Its gonna be a good year. 

restoration

On the last day of 2012, I spent time reflecting on my year.  I hadn't realized what a hard year it had been.  I had completed two semesters of the hardest school work I had ever faced in my life.  I had experienced real spiritual drought, apathy, exhaustion, and burnout.  I had been tested and trialled in areas that are too rough to even type out.

But in the midst of all that hardship, I knew what it had made me become at the end of the year.  I see 2012 as a year of restoration.

At the end of 2012, I see how much restoration I've received from God.  He has restored me to a place of passion and delight that I had somehow lost.  He restored my purity.  He restored relationships with friends and family members.  He healed areas of my heart that I didn't even know were broekn.  He restored my weary soul and gave me such sweet rest. God saw me broken and tired, and He renewed me and gave me strength.  He is still giving me freedom in areas that used to hold me captive.  He has shown SO much compassion and grace on me.

I've also seen restoration in the lives of the people around me.  I've had multiple best friends go through bad break ups, and have seen the healing hand of God help them through it.  I've seen big and lofty dreams come true.  I've seen opportunities come that could have only been given from the Lord.  I've seen financial provision come when its been most needed.

Psalm 23:2-3, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul..."

I'm thankful for the restoration in my life that only comes from the Lord.