confessions of a retail saleswoman

Many of you know about my shopping fast that I began for the entire year of 2013 (read about it here).  The beginning of my problem with shopping really began when I started working at my local Gap store last summer and realized I got 50% off of almost everything in the store. I went crazy, and most of my paychecks usually went right back to my store.

Well, this summer I decided that I would go back and work again at the Gap, since I was guaranteed to be hired again.  Going back would be easy because I wouldn't have to job search and relearn a new position somewhere else.  Some of my friends warned me that it would be too hard to maintain my fast while working in retail and I should try to find a new job, but I told them it was going to be easy.

Easy. HA! I sure ate those words.

Going to work for the first time was my first real time in a clothing store since December. Being in a retail store (not to mention one of my favorite stores) for around five hours a day is incredibly hard.  The temptation to buy clothing is everywhere, and being there for so long has made me feel like I need clothes.  At first, all I thought about was how I needed new shorts, the tank tops I own had shrunk, and I could get whatever I wanted for a much cheaper price.  I literally prayed my way through my first day because I wanted to buy new clothes so bad.  Some days as I've helped people find clothing, I would pick out my favorite items for them just so I can vicariously shop through them.  Every single time I've worked, I walked out of the doors, breathed a huge sigh of relief, and thanked God for helping me make it through that day.  I'm so thankful that most of the days I've worked this past week I've been put in the Kids and Baby department, so there is a little less temptation to buy those clothes. :)

This definitely was not the easy choice this summer.  But I'm realizing that the more I work, the more I get used to being around the clothes, and the less I want to buy them.  My perspective is shifting, and instead of thinking about how cheap I could get shirts or jeans, I'm thinking about all of the money I'm going to be able to save by not spending it on clothing.  I'm also realizing how lucky and blessed I am to own so much already.

The difference is that last year, I went into this job selfishly last year, only thinking about getting the best clothing for a low price.  This year, I went into this job without that expectation, and instead, I go into work praying for my coworkers and for the people I'm going to serve as I work.  I pray for a joyful attitude, even though its hard being there.  I'm praying for God to help me control my spending, and sometimes that He would make my taste in clothing change ;)

And what do ya know - I'm actually enjoying my job a LOT more than I did last summer! Even without the benefit of cheaper clothing, I know that I'm going to get more out of this job than before.  This definitely isn't easy, but I know its the best thing for me right now. 

a not-so-new year's resolution

Its never too late for a New Year's Resolution post, is it? Well, this is about 2 weeks too late, but I've been trying to wrap my head around it and I didn't want to post this lightly.

So, drumroll please....I'm starting 2013 by not shopping for the entire year.  This means clothing, shoes, accessories, and jewelry. 

I'm pretty embarrassed about writing this because its hard for me to admit that I have a problem with shopping...but before I start, I also have some specific reasons why I wanted to share this on my blog.

1. I need accountability for this. I know myself, and so I know that if other people don't know, I will really quickly back out on this.  I want other people to read this and know what I'm doing so that I don't find a way out of it myself.
2. I know this is an area that God has convicted me in, and I'm trying to do as much as I can to get more of him in my life. This is not at ALL trying to boast about what a great resolution I have and blah blah blah because this is totally from the Lord and not from me. Please know that I am saying all of this out of a place of humility.

Let me start from the beginning.

Last summer I read a book called "7" by Jen Hatmaker (Read more about her here). Jen writes about her experiment to get rid of the excess in her life.  She fasts from 7 different categories for one month each, and writes about what the Lord taught her through her "deeply reduced life."  She only ate seven foods, wore seven articles of clothing, spent money in seven places, eliminated the use of seven media types, gave away seven things a day, adopted seven "green" habits, and prayed seven times a day (summarized from the back cover of Seven by Jen Hatmaker). She did all of this in order to make more room for Christ in her life.

This book ruined me.  As I read about Jen's fight against the excess and materialism in her life, I felt SO convicted about all of the excess in my own.  I realized through her fiery passion to help the poor, needy, and broken that I was ignoring the needs of others around me and letting myself remain comfortable in my plethora of money, clothing, food, and media. 

But all of these convictions about my "stuff" and how many "things" I had quickly came and left in about 7 days.  When I wasn't filling my mind with the biblical truth coming from her book, I quickly returned to my love of indulging...or specifically my love of shopping. I didn't allow the things that I read change me, and I most definitely didn't put any of it into action. I just thought that I would do something radical like that when I had more time, or a real job, or another lame excuse.

So as the end of 2012 approached, I started thinking about making New Year's Resolutions.  And immediately, this crazy idea popped in my head of not shopping for a year. And this crazy thought would not leave not matter how hard I tried.

I tried to make it seem as if this was just something crazy in my head and not something from the Lord.  It didn't really work. These are some of the things that God was revealing to me about my shopping habits as I prayed:

• Over the past six months I have quickly spiraled into a cycle of "more" - always trying to obtain something new whenever I pleased. When I saw something that I wanted, I bought it.  If I couldn't find it in a store, I ordered it online.  And yeah, I am a pretty good bargain hunter, but that didn't matter when I just bought more to make up for all that I was "saving."  It also didn't help me that I worked at The Gap all summer and enjoyed a 50% discount on everything. Yikes.

• I started to notice that shopping has become something that I find security in, rather than putting it in the Lord.  When I felt sad or didn't feel pretty I would buy something new to make up for it.  When I wanted to reward myself for working hard, I bought a new shirt.  When I wanted to relax, I shopped.  When I was bored, I went to the mall for fun. I'm sick of justifying my lack of self control with those excuses.  

• Sadly enough, I really think that I have enough clothes to last me a year.  I have so much more than I need, and I think I need to prove that to myself by not getting any more. 

•  Lastly, the more that I prayed about not shopping for a year, the more I didn't want to do it, and the more I didn't want to do it, the more I knew that I needed to. If that's not a sign of an idol, then I don't know what is. 

I'm going into this resolution thinking of this as a fast.  Jen defines a fast as "an intentional reduction, a deliberate abstinence to summon God's movement in my life."  I want so much more of God and much less of me.  I want to rely on Him when I felt weak, and let God be my security. Instead of more things, I want more of Him. 

I also am really interested to see how God provides for me.  One of my "guidelines" for this fast is that I will accept something as a gift, but only if its meant for that reason.  I'm not just going to let me parents take me on a shopping spree - that defeats the purpose.  The point is that I'm not obtaining clothing or shoes for myself this year so that I can fill that void with more of Jesus.

However, there are some events going on in 2013 that I really do probably need to buy something for.  Instead of breaking the fast to buy those things, I'm going to pray that God moves in the hearts of others to give me something as a gift. If a person wants to give me something as a blessing, and not because I'm asking for it, then I will accept. And if God doesn't provide the things that I truly need, I'm going to have to learn to be thankful for what I have.

I'm going to learn self control, gratitude, and that its okay to wear the same outfit twice in a short time span. Not to mention I'm definitely going to use my money in much wiser ways. 

This is my "7" challenge and resolution for the year (Thanks for the inspiration, Jen ;) ).  This is my personal fight against materialism and consumerism in my life.  And praise God, I'm finally getting excited about it and not suffering through it (yet!). I'm hoping and praying for more of God and much less of me.

17 days down!