the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.

when you don't feel like having your quiet time

I have a confession to make:

There are a lot of times when I really don't feel like having a "quiet time," or spending time reading the Bible or in prayer.  There are a lot of times when I don't feel like going to church or acting "Christian" either.

I have another confession:

I hate admitting that I struggle with consistency in my quiet times.  And I usually don't admit it.  I fake it to myself, to others, and to God that I'm totally fine and not actually facing a season of dryness. I'm an RA at Liberty University, leading a hall of 60-70 girls, and have been a spiritual leader in my church at home in CT, so how could I admit that as such a responsible "leader" to others?  I have too much weighing on my reputation to confess that sometimes I can go weeks without cracking open my Bible.

But I'm posting this confession on the internet because I've learned a lot through this struggle, and as I continue to press on in the midst of feeling spiritually dry, I hope this helps someone who is struggling too.

Because we all go through it.  No one can be on a spiritual high forever.  We can't spend our lives on top of the mountain.  We grow from our times of dryness, our times of apathy, and our struggles.  This is the only way that God can test us, shape us, and sharpen us. 

I've been a Christian for eight years now, and I'm just now figuring out this pattern that I continually perform when I find myself in a season of apathy or spiritual dryness.

I can't even tell you how many times I have prolonged spending time with God because I've felt bad that I haven't given Him the time He deserved in the past.  I waited to come to Him until I had earned my way to Him again - until I was good enough for Him to listen to.

But that wasn't right.  I didn't have to wait to earn the right to be heard.  He knows that we fail Him and that we aren't good enough - we will never be good enough for Him.

So I turned my season of dryness into a cycle that has repeated itself more times than I can count - I stop having a daily quiet time because I don't feel like it, then the guilt of not giving God the time He deserves keeps me away from Him, and I don't go to Him again until I feel like I've been good enough to earn it.

From my own personal experiences, the only way to get through a season where you don't feel like spending time with God is to push through it.  A friend of mine once told me "fake it till you make it," and after thinking about it, I think that in this case it's true.  Keep having a quiet time - even if the whole time you're telling God how much you don't want to talking Him at the moment. 

Last week, I wrote this in my journal:

God, I'm going to be honest - right now I really just don't want to spend time with you.  I'm bored with you and I'm not excited by you anymore.  I want to spend time with you, but have no motivation to.  I try to force myself to spend time with you, but I really don't feel like it.
But you know what? Those honest words weren't a surprise to Him.  I can't hide behind a mask of "everything's fine" to Him when they're not.  He wants us to go to Him in the midst of apathy and spiritual drought.  He knows how we are anyways - why try to disguise it from God?

Another thing you can try when you don't feel like spending time with God is changing what you do for your usual quiet time.  I will go on a run outside and pray as I run, or listen to podcasts from some of my favorite pastors.  Sometimes I have to change what I'm reading in Scripture, or try reading another book altogether that might excite me about God again.

Or, try spending time with people who are thriving in their relationships with God.  Their love and passion for Him might rub off and make you want to improve your relationship with Him.

Overall, the best thing I've learned to do when I don't feel like having my quiet time is to push through those feelings and have it anyways.  Know that when you seek God and draw near to Him, He doesn't leave you there.  He reaches His arms out to wherever you are.

Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Endure through the feelings that fluctuate and prove your devotion to God by spending time in His Word when you don't want to.  Our feelings will change constantly, but God never does. 

And I know that God will once again give me the desire to want to spend time with Him.  But until then, I will press on and learn that my relationship with Him isn't based on how I feel about Him on a day to day basis.