5 lessons i'm learning in winter

As I described earlier in my blog post on winter, I have felt myself going to through a dry season in my relationship with God, where I don't feel like spending time with Him, and when I do, I don't feel like I'm learning anything.

I know I can't be the only one walking through this season, so here are some lessons that I'm learning in the midst of it. These are the thoughts that I have as I persevere:

1. God understands the place I am in, and He does not condemn me for it. He is, in fact, comforting me as He tests me, and it is for my own good. 

2. I'm learning how to not base my faith on my emotion. This is something I've learned so many times before, but now, on a deeper level.  I'm learning to press on even when I don't feel like it.  Because I'm not always going to "feel" like doing things that are good for me, and spending time with Jesus is no different. 

3. I'm still in this season because I have to learn something that God could not teach me in any other way.  During the winter, God is sharpening us and working on us, but we can't see it until the spring.  

4. As I said before, I can't be the only one walking through a winter season in my faith.  All Christians go through season like this one. I'm not abnormal for not feeling motivated to spend time with God.  It doesn't mean that we're bad Christians because we feel distant.  Being honest about this season with others makes me realize that I'm not alone in it.  

5. This season will surely pass. Winter will not last forever. Spring will come. And surely, it is on its way.  "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43:19. 

What is something you've learned after coming out of a dry, wintery season? What is something you wish you had known while you were walking through it?

What I learned from fasting

2013 has come to an end, and with that has come the end of my shopping fast for the year.  If this is the first time you're hearing about this, read what I felt God pressing me to do for the past year on my post here.

I would have never thought I could have gone a year without shopping.  There were times when I considered myself "cheating" by buying new clothes for special occasions, but friends and family have reassured me that buying a new outfit for engagement pictures is acceptable. ;) Over the past year, I've been amazed by the generosity of my friends and family, some of them who may not even realize how they've inspired me.  My best friend Lexie, my fiance Tanner, and my sweet mom have bought me clothes this year when I wasn't expecting it, and so deeply encouraged me through that.  So many friends and mentors have encouraged and challenged me through my fast, and I learned from their wisdom and prayers for me. 

I definitely learned a lot from this fast, but overall, I wish that right now I felt differently.   This was the longest fast I've ever done, and it was definitely also one of the hardest things I've ever done.  By this point, I honestly expected myself to not even want to go shopping.  I thought that by fasting for a year, I wouldn't have a desire to spend loads of money on clothes that I probably don't need.  But honestly, today all I'm thinking is about when is the soonest time I can get to a mall.

Not to say I didn't learn anything.  I do have to say that I'm extremely proud of myself for actually following through on this and not giving up when it was difficult.  I learned that I don't need everything that I see.  I learned that its better to trust God with my needs than to provide them myself.  I learned what my needs truly are.  I learned that self-control is better than instant gratification, and money is better spent on more meaningful things.  I learned that simplicity is better than excess. 

I don't think its bad that I want to go shopping.  But every time I think about buying something, I think about how I could better spend the money. I've seen people across the world who barely have anything, yet I live with so much more than I need.   I'm living in a first world, but with the needs of the third world so heavy on my heart.  I'm still figuring out this balance in my life. 

By not buying clothes, I saved money and was able to use it for different purchases.  Not trying to toot my own horn, but I was able to start sponsoring a child in Rwanda, donate generously to different causes, raise money for people in need around the world, and give meaningful gifts to friends and family by honoring them as I donate to world relief organizations. The fact that I was able to use my money more effectively was something I wasn't expecting during this year, and if that's all that I get out of this year-long fast, I'm more than satisfied. 

This year, I want to continue the lifestyle I've been living.  I will continue fasting on the first day of every month to refocusing my heart on the Lord and trust and surrender to Him.  I will also continue to be generous to others by giving sacrificially each month.  

Overall, I want to live more simply, and live with less.

the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.

lessons learned over the summer

So I didn't finish everything on my summer bucket list (or get close to finishing it!), but I did learn.  And now that I'm two weeks into school, and have been in Lynchburg for the past month, I can look back on it and see what I took away from summer.  It wasn't an easy summer by any means, but I'm still thankful for that season. So here are a few of the random things that I learned from summer 2013.

1. Older women are extremely wise.  There's something about getting advice from someone who's more mature than you, whether she's 40 years older, or 1 year older - she knows more. And its nice to just sit and listen and learn. And I loved every second that the older women in my life took to pour into me this summer.  I needed it.

2.  God can still use you when you don't deserve it. I barely spent any time with God this summer.  When I did, I did it out of a feeling of obligation, and not delight.  And when it was my turn to teach bible study, I was dreading it.  I wasn't worthy to teach the Bible. But ya know what? God used it.  And people learned from it. Not from me, from Him. I'm grateful for that.

3. Change is okay.  I'm going through a season of change (more on that later) and its not a bad thing.  I have a new fiance, a new job, a new load of classes, a new hall on a new part of campus, and a new leadership team. And while its taken a little while to get used to, its all good.

4. Wedding planning is really fun when you have the right perspective. More on this later too! But to put it plainly - its much more important to plan for marriage than to plan a wedding.

5. Wedding planning is also much more fun when you can do it with girlfriends.  There's only so much that Pinterest can do for you. There were moments during summer when I felt like no one had the time to be a part of planning, and that was okay, but it was so much more fun when friends could help me and give me advice. I loved their support and advice - I needed to make sure my ideas weren't crazy!

6. A dry season in your relationship with God is normal. And it can actually be a gift.

That's all for now, folks. More coming soon!