the red dirt wears off

The red clay has worn off of my feet.  My farmer's tan has faded.  My body is clean, my fingernails painted, and my hair is blown dry and straightened.

I got back from Rwanda almost 6 months ago.  Why does it feel so far? Why has it been so easy to slip back into my normal American lifestyle?

We talked about not letting society creeping back into our lives.  We prayed for American culture of greediness and selfishness being rid in our lives.  We held each other accountable to the things we committed to. We swore not to let the memories not to fade.

But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't mean as much as it did a few months ago.  I've let the memories fade and the emotions wear off.  I forget what I saw and heard in Rwanda - the faces of joy, hurt, love, and contentment. And I'm ashamed of that.

I've let the lessons I learned in Rwanda take the backseat to the culture that is in front of my eyes.  I forget to pray for my sponsor child.  I want lots of birthday presents.  I spend an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks.  I don't cry when I hear those songs that we sang while we were there.  I waste food.  I hold grudges.  I want a big, fancy wedding.  I say that I need things, when I've seen what "need" truly is.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply changed by what I experienced there.  I still think about it all the time.  I have a problem that the "normal" way of living here means excess. I forever have a discontentment about the poverty and need for resources around the world.  But sometimes it feels like I'm just looking at pictures, and forgetting that there are people and children there that I actually met.

Sometimes that change that occurred deep within me is suppressed by the ease of following what this American culture says is normal.  

That red clay has worn off, and all the time I wish it was still there. What do you do when the dirt is gone and you get used to "normal" American living again?

Until I figure it out, I will try to push out the deep desire to live differently because of what I've seen that I know is in me, and struggle to overcome the selfishness, forgetfulness, and pride that so naturally and easily surfaces.

when you don't feel like having your quiet time

I have a confession to make:

There are a lot of times when I really don't feel like having a "quiet time," or spending time reading the Bible or in prayer.  There are a lot of times when I don't feel like going to church or acting "Christian" either.

I have another confession:

I hate admitting that I struggle with consistency in my quiet times.  And I usually don't admit it.  I fake it to myself, to others, and to God that I'm totally fine and not actually facing a season of dryness. I'm an RA at Liberty University, leading a hall of 60-70 girls, and have been a spiritual leader in my church at home in CT, so how could I admit that as such a responsible "leader" to others?  I have too much weighing on my reputation to confess that sometimes I can go weeks without cracking open my Bible.

But I'm posting this confession on the internet because I've learned a lot through this struggle, and as I continue to press on in the midst of feeling spiritually dry, I hope this helps someone who is struggling too.

Because we all go through it.  No one can be on a spiritual high forever.  We can't spend our lives on top of the mountain.  We grow from our times of dryness, our times of apathy, and our struggles.  This is the only way that God can test us, shape us, and sharpen us. 

I've been a Christian for eight years now, and I'm just now figuring out this pattern that I continually perform when I find myself in a season of apathy or spiritual dryness.

I can't even tell you how many times I have prolonged spending time with God because I've felt bad that I haven't given Him the time He deserved in the past.  I waited to come to Him until I had earned my way to Him again - until I was good enough for Him to listen to.

But that wasn't right.  I didn't have to wait to earn the right to be heard.  He knows that we fail Him and that we aren't good enough - we will never be good enough for Him.

So I turned my season of dryness into a cycle that has repeated itself more times than I can count - I stop having a daily quiet time because I don't feel like it, then the guilt of not giving God the time He deserves keeps me away from Him, and I don't go to Him again until I feel like I've been good enough to earn it.

From my own personal experiences, the only way to get through a season where you don't feel like spending time with God is to push through it.  A friend of mine once told me "fake it till you make it," and after thinking about it, I think that in this case it's true.  Keep having a quiet time - even if the whole time you're telling God how much you don't want to talking Him at the moment. 

Last week, I wrote this in my journal:

God, I'm going to be honest - right now I really just don't want to spend time with you.  I'm bored with you and I'm not excited by you anymore.  I want to spend time with you, but have no motivation to.  I try to force myself to spend time with you, but I really don't feel like it.
But you know what? Those honest words weren't a surprise to Him.  I can't hide behind a mask of "everything's fine" to Him when they're not.  He wants us to go to Him in the midst of apathy and spiritual drought.  He knows how we are anyways - why try to disguise it from God?

Another thing you can try when you don't feel like spending time with God is changing what you do for your usual quiet time.  I will go on a run outside and pray as I run, or listen to podcasts from some of my favorite pastors.  Sometimes I have to change what I'm reading in Scripture, or try reading another book altogether that might excite me about God again.

Or, try spending time with people who are thriving in their relationships with God.  Their love and passion for Him might rub off and make you want to improve your relationship with Him.

Overall, the best thing I've learned to do when I don't feel like having my quiet time is to push through those feelings and have it anyways.  Know that when you seek God and draw near to Him, He doesn't leave you there.  He reaches His arms out to wherever you are.

Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Endure through the feelings that fluctuate and prove your devotion to God by spending time in His Word when you don't want to.  Our feelings will change constantly, but God never does. 

And I know that God will once again give me the desire to want to spend time with Him.  But until then, I will press on and learn that my relationship with Him isn't based on how I feel about Him on a day to day basis. 

THIS TIME FOR AFRICA!

ITS HERE!

As you are reading this post, I am on a plane to RWANDA! I'll be back on the 17th, but until I return to the US, please be praying for me!

Here's how you can pray specifically:

1. Safety.  We spend about 4 of our 10 day trip traveling through driving and flying.  Pray for safety in flying, traveling in general, and protection of my entire team and our luggage.  Pray against flight delays and missed layovers.  We are leaving in the tail end of a winter storm, so pray for safety as we have a long drive to the airport, and a couple of long flights to Africa!

2. My team.  There are about 20 of us going together (17 of them are girls!!).  With that being said, pray against frustrations with team members, for grace and love to be shown in the midst of clashing personalities, and for total unity in the Lord.  Pray against cliques and pray that we would be willing and able to work together for the glory of God.

3. Health.  Praying that no one catches anything on the plane ride over.  Pray that our malaria pills won't cause any sickness (a bunch of us have already gotten nauseous from taking them).  Pray against any other disease or infection that could be caught while we are there.  Pray that we can all easily adjust with jet lag to the new time zone we will be in! Pray that we would not get sunburnt or dehydrated in the heat!

4. The people we will encounter. Pray for soft hearts to allow us into their lives, and for honesty and openness in sharing their stories.  Pray that they would welcome us and would see Christ shining through us.  Most of all, pray for healing, restoration, and reconciliation in their hearts against the people who have wronged them.  Pray that the widows would trust in God, and that the orphans would feel genuinely loved by Christ.  Let them understand the love that the Lord has for them, and be comforted and healed by Him, and not by our presence. Pray that we would listen to their stories with patience, understanding, and empathy.  May Jesus work through the people I am going to meet to minister to me. 

5. Strength in serving.   Pray that we will have the endurance to love on others even through feeling tired.  Pray that we would be willing to be Christ's hands and feet - loving the harder ones to love and serving the ones on the outskirts.  Pray that our time in Rwanda would be effective for the gospel.  Let us leave the legacy in Rwanda that we were loving and kind to everybody because of the Lord we received from God.  Pray that we would die to self and to our own comforts in order to be used by God. Pray that I would have an open heart, and a humble heart.  Pray for humility, ears to listen, eyes to see, and the heart to love.

6. Growth in the Lord.  Pray that me and my team would see God working not only in the lives of the Rwandan people, but also in our own hearts as well.  Let this trip be the stepping stone to how God wants us involved in missions, and let us bring home what we see and experience.  Let it be a trip that changes us for the rest of our lives. Let my heart be moved.

Listen to this song, and think of me :)

preparation

Some people have been asking me how I'm doing in preparing for this trip.
But how do you prepare for a trip that you've been looking forward to for over a year?!

How do you prepare your mind to see things you've never seen before, and aren't even sure what you're going to see?

How do you prepare your heart to take in the brokenness of a country destroyed by hatred?

How do you get ready to see hundreds, thousands, millions of grave stones of people who didn't deserve to die?

How do you prepare yourself to enter into a culture that is completely different from the one I've lived in my whole life?

How do you help bring restoration and healing to a country with deeply rooted pain in a matter of a week?

How do you prepare to serve God when you don't know exactly how?

You get as close to Jesus as possible.  He's the only One giving me peace, comfort, and assurance during this time of preparation. 

The only way to get ready for all of this is by spending as much as I can with Him in prayer.  I'm preparing for everything I'm going to experience by spending deep, intimate times of prayer with Him.  I feel closer to Him, and closer to Rwanda than ever. 

The other morning I was up early praying for Rwanda, and my heart was so overwhelmed with love for that country, those widows, and those orphans.  My heart feels as if it is already in Rwanda, and I haven't even gotten there yet.  As I spend time with Him, I feel the Lord filling me up with His love to pour out to the Rwandan people.  He is increasing my desire to serve Him and be used by Him.  

And as I pray and get closer to Jesus, I see how He has been preparing me for Rwanda for much longer than I know.  This was one of my favorite songs when I was a sophomore and junior in high school...who knew that the Lord was planting seeds of Rwanda in me from the start?!

When I asked one of my trip leaders what I could be doing to be preparing spiritually for my trip to Rwanda he told me "practice the presence of God."  I'm opening my eyes to see Him everywhere here, so that when I go over to Africa I'm even more aware of His evidence. I'm growing my habit of communicating continually with God, so that when I'm in Rwanda I pray all the more. 

When you really think about it, you realize that there's no way to really "prepare" for big things in your life.  You can try as hard as you can, but when the rubber hits the road, you just have to dive right into it.

prayers i'm praying

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
About easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, 

and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for 

justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed for those who suffer 

from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all they cherish, so that you
may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
 

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that 

you can make a difference in this world,so that you are able, 

with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,

Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who us our Brother and Savior,

and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you

and remain with you, this day and forevermore. Amen.

- A Franciscan Benediction (From A Hole in the Gospel)

"Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

and my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior."

- Oceans by Hillsong United

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much 

seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

- Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Source: blog.worldhelp.net

"I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted, 

and will execute justice for the needy." - Psalm 140:12

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." - John 14:18

Please keep me in your prayers as I leave for Rwanda this Thursday, March 7! I have been praying these prayers, and I'd appreciate if you would continue in praying these for me and my team as well.  

*Pictures are not my own and are taken from Pinterest.com

lent.

Who knows what today is?! If you didn't catch it from my title...today marks the beginning of lent!

Some of you may not know this, but I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school for about 9 years.  One of the most well known and most widely practiced events in the Catholic Church calendar is the season of Lent, which is the 40 days leading up to Easter.  Its known as the time when you give something up, or "fast" from something. 

As a kid, lent meant that I couldn't eat something that I really liked.  It was a time of suffering because I really wanted soda, or chocolate, but couldn't eat it.  I remember one year, my whole family gave up all junk food, and I hated it.  Rice cakes became my best friend.  The lent tradition is that on Sundays you can break your fast if you want to, so my mom would buy some sort of sweet for us all to enjoy for that one day.  One time she bought carrot cake as our treat, and I was furious because to me, since it was called carrot cake, it meant that it was still healthy food, and not junk food.  Silly me.  

When I was in high school, I stopped practicing lent because I didn't see the point of it.  Why would I go through 40 days of making myself suffer because I couldn't eat something that I wanted?! 

This year, the Lord really changed my heart to lent, and opened my eyes to see it in a completely different way. I've never done something personal or meaningful for lent - I've only done things because my teachers and parents told me to.  

I did some research on the origins of lent, and what the purpose of it is. I learned that lent is the time leading up to Easter because it is meant to prepare us for the Resurrection of Jesus.  The major themes that people focus on during lent are repentance, reflection, prayer, and self-denial.  

Lent comes directly from the example that Jesus Christ set for us in the Bible.  In Matthew 4, Jesus goes into the wilderness and fasts for 40 days, then is tempted by the devil.  During Jesus' time of fasting, he pressed so deeply into His Father for support that He was able to stand against the devil's temptations.  After Jesus came out of his 40 day fast in the wilderness, He began His public ministry. 

This is why Lent is so closely associated with fasting.  Since Christ demonstrated fasting in order to prepare for His ministry on earth, how much more should we? He is our primary example.

I know that fasting is so much more than just giving up junk food, or soda, or candy.   But why else should we fast? And what does fasting look for us now?

Isaiah 58 is one of my favorite passages of Scripture, and it gives a clear picture of the type of fasting that God calls us to:

"Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke, 
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house; 
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?"

- Isaiah 58:6-8

I love this picture that God gives us.  When we fast, we are denying the ourselves so that there is more room for God to work in our lives.  He breaks chains, destroys strongholds, lets the oppressing things go.  This is a picture of freedom that comes only through fasting.  It also leaves an effect on the lives of people around us.  When we fast, we have extra to give to others and to meet their needs. 

 Here's what Margaret Feinberg says about Lent,

There is a reason why Lent is associated so closely to fasting.  For me, Lent is the time of year when I tug on Papa’s sleeve and say, “I want more, more, more of you!”  Hungry. Persistent. Expectant. It’s more than a set of dates on the church calendar—it’s a season to passionately pursue God and live wide-eyed to the wonder of who He is. The wonders of God are waiting for you during Lent. This season is laced with opportunity that will stir your hunger to know God more.

This Lent, I'm going into this season with expectancy to see more of God present in my life.  I'm changing my perspective on it.  Instead of going into this time only focusing on how difficult fasting can be, I'm facing it with excitement because it is a huge opportunity for growth.  I'm going into this season with a set of things that I want to take of hold of, rather than give up.  I want to wake up on Easter Sunday and be a different person than I am right now. 

What better time for God to work on me, for Him to challenge me, and for Him to pour more of Him into me than in the time to prepare for Easter?

Lent should be thought of more as "what am I going to lay hold of?" rather than, "what am I going to give up?" What am I going to add to my life, instead of taking something away?

I'm actually going to be doing both - laying hold as well as giving up. I’m challenging you to take time today to ask God what He’s calling you toward during Lent this year. Get practical. Do something for the Lord that you've never done before.  

Here are my plans for Lent: 

1.  7 Sacred Pauses - Pause 7 times a day daily to pray and wait on the Lord. I'm doing this because I've been so busy, I need to rely on the Lord even more in the midst of it. I also don't want to pray mindlessly, but be intentional about it.

2. Social Media Fast - No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. They've been distracting, and its been keeping me from focusing on the Lord during my quiet times.

If you are feeling resistant to doing something for Lent, what is holding you back? Will you open up your heart to allow God to move in a deeper way? What is going to be your plan of action to practically allow God to move in your life?