one month later

It's been over a month since I got back from Rwanda.  I think I might be ready to write about it.

Many of you have heard me share my stories, so I thank you for coming back to this blog to read more about it after already listening. Talking about it helps me understand, but writing it down is totally different.  I don't want to mess it up.  I don't want to record someone's story in the wrong way. I don't know how to really express what I've seen and felt through typed words on a screen. I don't know what write, even though I had filled over half of a journal during my week in Rwanda. I know that this experience is something that I will remember for the rest of my life, and I'll always be learning from it. So how do I begin writing about something that has totally changed and wrecked my life?

I know I have to start somewhere.  Its been a month, and I may have stopped crying over my memories of Rwanda, but nothing about my longing for that country has faded away.  

Whenever I've been on a trip - whether its a family vacation or a missions trip - I always here people saying, "Can we just stay here forever?" It makes sense that people say that - they enjoy the new experience of being on a vacation or in an area that needs help, so they want to stay.  We don't want to go on living our normal lives, returning to the stress that is around us.  We joke around about missing our flight and how great it would be to stay, but we all know that the time will come for us leave our temporary trips and go back to our normal lives. 

But when I went to Rwanda, it was different.  The feelings I had were so much deeper than a fluffy desire to be in a vacation spot or the feeling of being needed in a desperate area.  I felt at home there.  The minute our plane landed, I felt peace, like it was where God had purposed me to be. And then the minute our plane took off to return to the US, I felt like my heart was being ripped out, like I was missing something, like I had left something behind.

Photo by Cyrus Mad-Bondo

During class one day, as I was thinking about the children and not the lecture that my professor was giving, I thought of Philippians 1:8, "For God is my witness, how I yearn for you with the affection of Christ Jesus."  This verse summarizes my feelings right now.  Its more than just missing the Rwandan people. Its more than not wanting to leave the country.  Its the knowledge that there are bigger things to be doing, and more important things to be thinking about.  Its a longing deep in my soul to be with them again. 

Photo by Jimmy Thomas

My reflections over the past few weeks have been of the children that I met there.  I played with dozens and dozens of orphans and children in the schools.  I want to make sure you know that my heart for those children goes much deeper than just having a nice picture with a cute kid.  I still hear their voices, I still feel their touch, and my arms feel too light not being able to hold them.  I think about them literally all the time - I go to bed thinking about them and praying for them and wake up in the morning doing the same.  When I see their faces, I remember that its not just a picture that I am looking at, or that seems nice in a frame.  They are real children, living real lives, thousands of miles away.  Each one has a story, a history. God created each one with unique passions and personalities.  When I see their faces, I think about that, so that they don't just become a memory that I had in college, but the first step in God working in my life to do something for them.  I believe that God has put it on my heart to be with them, to show them not only my love, but most importantly Christ's love as well.

I just don't know how yet.

So I continue to pray, to look at the pictures, and to miss them.  I know that I will see their faces again, and that brings me comfort and joy. 

Back in America

Hello readers! Just wanted to post something quick to let you know that I am back in America, safe and sound! I didn't get any form of sickness while I was gone, but I'm still getting over jet lag. 

Thank you SO much for all of your prayers.  I had no idea about all of the ways that I would learn, grow, and change while I was in Rwanda. Let me tell you, I am fired up and passionate about the way God is moving in Rwanda, and the things we need to do and have to do to continue His work. If you try to ask me how my trip went, you'll need to carve out about 5 hours for me to just scratch the surface.  My time in Africa has changed my life.

Over the next few months I'm sure I'll be sharing stories and experiences, but for now, I am taking time to process what has just happened over the past week.  Just a couple of the things I'm learning and still trying to process...

Forgiveness.

Family.

Joy.

Reconciliation.

Contentment.

Serving.

Giving.

Love.

Tragedy.

Peace.

Reliance.

Surrender.

Simplicity.

Hope.

I'm honestly still trying to process everything that I saw and experienced in Rwanda.  This is something that will move me for the rest of my life.  I am not the same person that I was before.

THIS TIME FOR AFRICA!

ITS HERE!

As you are reading this post, I am on a plane to RWANDA! I'll be back on the 17th, but until I return to the US, please be praying for me!

Here's how you can pray specifically:

1. Safety.  We spend about 4 of our 10 day trip traveling through driving and flying.  Pray for safety in flying, traveling in general, and protection of my entire team and our luggage.  Pray against flight delays and missed layovers.  We are leaving in the tail end of a winter storm, so pray for safety as we have a long drive to the airport, and a couple of long flights to Africa!

2. My team.  There are about 20 of us going together (17 of them are girls!!).  With that being said, pray against frustrations with team members, for grace and love to be shown in the midst of clashing personalities, and for total unity in the Lord.  Pray against cliques and pray that we would be willing and able to work together for the glory of God.

3. Health.  Praying that no one catches anything on the plane ride over.  Pray that our malaria pills won't cause any sickness (a bunch of us have already gotten nauseous from taking them).  Pray against any other disease or infection that could be caught while we are there.  Pray that we can all easily adjust with jet lag to the new time zone we will be in! Pray that we would not get sunburnt or dehydrated in the heat!

4. The people we will encounter. Pray for soft hearts to allow us into their lives, and for honesty and openness in sharing their stories.  Pray that they would welcome us and would see Christ shining through us.  Most of all, pray for healing, restoration, and reconciliation in their hearts against the people who have wronged them.  Pray that the widows would trust in God, and that the orphans would feel genuinely loved by Christ.  Let them understand the love that the Lord has for them, and be comforted and healed by Him, and not by our presence. Pray that we would listen to their stories with patience, understanding, and empathy.  May Jesus work through the people I am going to meet to minister to me. 

5. Strength in serving.   Pray that we will have the endurance to love on others even through feeling tired.  Pray that we would be willing to be Christ's hands and feet - loving the harder ones to love and serving the ones on the outskirts.  Pray that our time in Rwanda would be effective for the gospel.  Let us leave the legacy in Rwanda that we were loving and kind to everybody because of the Lord we received from God.  Pray that we would die to self and to our own comforts in order to be used by God. Pray that I would have an open heart, and a humble heart.  Pray for humility, ears to listen, eyes to see, and the heart to love.

6. Growth in the Lord.  Pray that me and my team would see God working not only in the lives of the Rwandan people, but also in our own hearts as well.  Let this trip be the stepping stone to how God wants us involved in missions, and let us bring home what we see and experience.  Let it be a trip that changes us for the rest of our lives. Let my heart be moved.

Listen to this song, and think of me :)

preparation

Some people have been asking me how I'm doing in preparing for this trip.
But how do you prepare for a trip that you've been looking forward to for over a year?!

How do you prepare your mind to see things you've never seen before, and aren't even sure what you're going to see?

How do you prepare your heart to take in the brokenness of a country destroyed by hatred?

How do you get ready to see hundreds, thousands, millions of grave stones of people who didn't deserve to die?

How do you prepare yourself to enter into a culture that is completely different from the one I've lived in my whole life?

How do you help bring restoration and healing to a country with deeply rooted pain in a matter of a week?

How do you prepare to serve God when you don't know exactly how?

You get as close to Jesus as possible.  He's the only One giving me peace, comfort, and assurance during this time of preparation. 

The only way to get ready for all of this is by spending as much as I can with Him in prayer.  I'm preparing for everything I'm going to experience by spending deep, intimate times of prayer with Him.  I feel closer to Him, and closer to Rwanda than ever. 

The other morning I was up early praying for Rwanda, and my heart was so overwhelmed with love for that country, those widows, and those orphans.  My heart feels as if it is already in Rwanda, and I haven't even gotten there yet.  As I spend time with Him, I feel the Lord filling me up with His love to pour out to the Rwandan people.  He is increasing my desire to serve Him and be used by Him.  

And as I pray and get closer to Jesus, I see how He has been preparing me for Rwanda for much longer than I know.  This was one of my favorite songs when I was a sophomore and junior in high school...who knew that the Lord was planting seeds of Rwanda in me from the start?!

When I asked one of my trip leaders what I could be doing to be preparing spiritually for my trip to Rwanda he told me "practice the presence of God."  I'm opening my eyes to see Him everywhere here, so that when I go over to Africa I'm even more aware of His evidence. I'm growing my habit of communicating continually with God, so that when I'm in Rwanda I pray all the more. 

When you really think about it, you realize that there's no way to really "prepare" for big things in your life.  You can try as hard as you can, but when the rubber hits the road, you just have to dive right into it.

expectations

I've never been on an international missions trip before, and I've never been to Africa before either.  So here are some of things I'm expecting next week:

• Heat and strong sun
• Dirt
• The African trees you always see in beautiful pictures
• Young orphans laughing and loving freely
• Hardened and bitter widows
• Mosquito nets and bugs buzzing in your ears at night
• Safari animals
• Rice and beans
• Dirty water
• Sickness
• Hunger
• Scarcity of food
• More children than adults
• Not many English speaking people
• Deep times of prayer and seeking the Lord
• Being smelly and sweaty
• Not showering much
• Listening to stories
• Real heartache and pain
• Memorials and grave sites
• Marketplace
• True joy in the lives of others
• Small, simple homes
• Hard, small beds
• Electricity?
• Rural setting
• Not many clothes
• Gratitude in the little things

I think its natural for me to have some expectations going into my trip to Rwanda.  But these are simple things aren't significant and I'm not getting hung up on them. They're based on stories I've heard, movies I've watched, and pictures I've seen. Whether these are things I actually see in Africa don't matter that much. 

There is one major thing I'm expectant of that I know will be fulfilled: God is going to do amazing things in Rwanda, and He is going to do even beyond what I expect. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21

prayers i'm praying

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
About easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, 

and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for 

justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed for those who suffer 

from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all they cherish, so that you
may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
 

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that 

you can make a difference in this world,so that you are able, 

with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,

Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who us our Brother and Savior,

and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you

and remain with you, this day and forevermore. Amen.

- A Franciscan Benediction (From A Hole in the Gospel)

"Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

and my faith would be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior."

- Oceans by Hillsong United

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much 

seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

- Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Source: blog.worldhelp.net

"I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted, 

and will execute justice for the needy." - Psalm 140:12

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." - John 14:18

Please keep me in your prayers as I leave for Rwanda this Thursday, March 7! I have been praying these prayers, and I'd appreciate if you would continue in praying these for me and my team as well.  

*Pictures are not my own and are taken from Pinterest.com

its official!

Wednesday was my final deadline for my fundraising for Rwanda...

I'm so incredibly blessed to say that I have raised ALL of the money that I needed, so I am OFFICIALLY GOING TO RWANDA!!!

The small country is located in the center and eastern part of Africa.

Raising the money for this trip has been such an awesome experience for me in learning how to trust in God's provision.  I pray for Rwanda every single day, and every time I pray, I ask God to provide all of my needs.  Every day as I prayed for Rwanda, I Each time I had a financial deadline, there seemed to be a pattern.  I would be running short of the money that I needed, and then at the very last second, much more money than what I needed would come in.  God didn't just give me what I needed - He gave an abundance.

And now, I have the $3675 that I needed raised...but the Lord didn't stop there.  God provided even more than I needed! He gave me an abundance of funds,  so now the extra money that I raise will help other people who are struggling to get money in. My God is not only the God who provides, but the God of abundance. 

I learned that just like God has led me every step of the way in other area of my life, He could lead me in the area of finances too.  Nothing is too much for Him - not even $3675.  I have so much gratitude during this time - I'm so thankful for the God who provides for all of my needs, and for the friends and family who have been so incredibly generous to me.

I'm not the only one with this story of abundance.  Another girl going on my trip, Katie, needed to raise over $1,000 going into the final week before our last deadline.  She ended up receiving an additional $400 over what she needed! My friend, Erin, is also going to Rwanda.  I saw her on the date that all of our money was due, and she still needed over $1,100.  We prayed together that day for God to bring in the funds she needed so that she could go on the trip.  We were asking for faith to believe that He could do abundantly more than we can ask - but I wasn't even expecting for God to move like He did.  A few hours later, Erin ran into my room and told me that she had raised the $1,100 that she needed! God provided for her in a matter of hours. How amazing is that?!  

Some of Scripture that has really been helpful in expressing my feelings during this time:

Source: http://be-the-change.tumblr.com/post/8414425453

"I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." - Psalm 13:6

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot." - Psalm 16:5

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." - Psalm 20:7

"My cup overflows." - Psalm 23:5

I am so undeserving of all the blessings that I've received.  I'm just so amazed by God's faithfulness and provision! And He is STILL providing so much more for me.

This is ACTUALLY happening.  I've been praying and thinking about this for SO long, but now its real. I'm really going to Rwanda!

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.^" - Ephesians 3:20-21