lessons learned over the summer

So I didn't finish everything on my summer bucket list (or get close to finishing it!), but I did learn.  And now that I'm two weeks into school, and have been in Lynchburg for the past month, I can look back on it and see what I took away from summer.  It wasn't an easy summer by any means, but I'm still thankful for that season. So here are a few of the random things that I learned from summer 2013.

1. Older women are extremely wise.  There's something about getting advice from someone who's more mature than you, whether she's 40 years older, or 1 year older - she knows more. And its nice to just sit and listen and learn. And I loved every second that the older women in my life took to pour into me this summer.  I needed it.

2.  God can still use you when you don't deserve it. I barely spent any time with God this summer.  When I did, I did it out of a feeling of obligation, and not delight.  And when it was my turn to teach bible study, I was dreading it.  I wasn't worthy to teach the Bible. But ya know what? God used it.  And people learned from it. Not from me, from Him. I'm grateful for that.

3. Change is okay.  I'm going through a season of change (more on that later) and its not a bad thing.  I have a new fiance, a new job, a new load of classes, a new hall on a new part of campus, and a new leadership team. And while its taken a little while to get used to, its all good.

4. Wedding planning is really fun when you have the right perspective. More on this later too! But to put it plainly - its much more important to plan for marriage than to plan a wedding.

5. Wedding planning is also much more fun when you can do it with girlfriends.  There's only so much that Pinterest can do for you. There were moments during summer when I felt like no one had the time to be a part of planning, and that was okay, but it was so much more fun when friends could help me and give me advice. I loved their support and advice - I needed to make sure my ideas weren't crazy!

6. A dry season in your relationship with God is normal. And it can actually be a gift.

That's all for now, folks. More coming soon!

reflections on the Widows' Village

There have only been a few moments in my life that have happened in seconds but have changed my life forever.

I'm ready to share about one of them. My time in the Widows Village in Rwanda is one of the most cherished moments of my life.

One of the main activities we did for ministry in Rwanda was show love to the orphans, children, and widows by spending time with them.  We showed them love through playing with them, talking with them, and simply holding them.  Our leaders told us that the attention that we were able to show the children would be something that they remember forever. It truly felt like being the physical hands and feet of Christ. 

The Widow's Village was a government-provided area during the genocide that widows could live to be protected.  Since the genocide ended, it has stuck with that purpose.  Now, widows live there with their children and have a community there. 

The first day we went to the Widow's Village was highly anticipated.  Our bus had faced many different difficulties making it up the long, steep hill, where the widow's village rested on the top.  The widows and children could see our bus trekking up to them, so they waited even more anxiously for our arrival.

The first thing that happened as we stepped off the bus was a flood of children rushing to our side, grabbing our hands and latching onto them.  We hopped over a small ditch in the road, where the widows were all lined up.  As each member of the team hopped over we were immediately embraced by one woman after another.  They greeted us by saying "Maraho," or "Hello," and kissed our cheeks graciously.

We were all emotional - we were all overwhelmed by the love being shown to each other and by the community we already felt, despite the lack of understanding in language. 

We could hear children singing as we drove up the hill, and sure enough - there were at least 20 children proudly wearing their school uniform, gathered together in the middle of the village.  They were showing off what they had learned in school and sang their songs that they learned in English.  Some of the lyrics were: "I'm a little butterfly, in the air I fly, up up on the tree, I fly fly."  Others were "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes," with respective dance moves for all.   I don't think I've ever been more in love with a group of children. All of these kids had been sponsored to go to school at the Star School, and their songs and dance were evidence of what they were learning. 

We spent the afternoon playing with the children: trying to pronounce their names, teaching them dances, and just picking them up and holding them in our arms. As we drove away after our first day, the kids chased our bus down the rode, and our hearts broke in having the leave them.  But we knew that we'd be back in a few days.

Sure enough, the next time we headed up the long road to the Widow's Village, the kids started screaming and running towards us.  They had been waiting for us to return to them. 

We continued our typical activities - running, chasing, playing, laughing, holding, and cuddling with the children.  We all had our few kids who recognized us and stayed by our side, and my team members would continually play and chase the kids, and then take a rest by cuddling and holding them.  The kids loved running all over playing games and settling into the arms of all of us "mzungus," what they call "white person." 

Photos taken by Jimmy Thomas

On the last day in the Widow's Village, I met a new boy, who was 12 years old.  He was on the older side, and for a boy he was especially cuddly and close with me.  He spoke a little English, so I learned that his name was Eric and he was 12 years old.  We wanted to take pictures with me and hold my hand as our leader shared the gospel.  I'm used to my younger brothers, but neither of them had acted as needy as Eric was for his age.  Usually the teenage boys kept to themselves and would crack jokes, but he was sweet, kind, and needy for attention.  

We sat together through the whole message from our leader, and he paid close attention to every word.  Then, another leader shared with the group that was huddled together on the small hill that our team loved them very much and wanted to show them that by giving them each their own new t-shirt.  When Eric heard that, he squeezed my hand, turned and looked me in the eyes, and said in his accented English, "Thank you, thank you very much."

I couldn't help but start to cry.  I hugged him, and he held tight to me, and as I got up to help pass out t-shirts, he waited patiently to receive one from me. Everyone put their shirts on right away in proud ownership.  

Then, Eric grabbed my hand and pulled me toward a group of women standing in a group on the side.  He pointed his hand as a woman in the middle and said "Mom." He took me to introduce me to his mother! We embraced one another and kissed each others cheeks.  We could barely communicate, so we just smiled.  She thanked me for the t-shirts, and I feel so helpless.  I wanted to do so much more for her to show her that I loved her, but didn't know what to do.  I gave her the nail polish that I brought to paint the kids' nails, and she laughed at my gift to her.

Eric stayed close by my side as I played with the younger kids, and when it came time for us to leave the Village, my heart felt like it was breaking into millions of pieces.  Each kid stole my heart with their smiles, their laughter, and their innocence.  It broke me to know that many of them didn't have parents, didn't have food to eat, and didn't have money to go to school. 

Eric's simple "thank you" made me realize all the wealth and excess that I have.  Its not fair that I have been given so much undeservingly, while all he has is a new t-shirt to make him satisfied.

What have I done to deserve all that I have? Nothing.

What has Eric done to deserve the simple life he lives? Nothing.

Yet here I am, with everything, and continually wanting more, and there Eric and all of the other children are, thousands of miles away in Rwanda, not realizing the more that there is. Spending time in the Widows Village changed me and my time with those children is something that I remember all of the time.

My trip leader, Cyrus, told our team before we left for Rwanda that our time with the children in the Widow's Village was precious.  He said that when he returns to Rwanda, the kids ask about the people who had previously been there.  They continually ask for us and remember our names.  The time that we spend loving on those kids is some of the only love that they get to feel, and they cherish it forever. 

I think that its more important to think about the love that we can give, rather than the things we can get for ourselves. 

 

its a process

Do you ever feel as if you're stuck in the same place spiritually? Like you're committing the same sins over and over, and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to learn that lesson God is trying to teach you?

Lately I have been SO frustrated and confused about why I continuously commit the same sins over and over.  I've prayed the same prayers for forgiveness and confessed to other believers, and sometimes I think that God has probably been getting sick of me about it. 

But here's the amazing thing - He's not. It's impossible for me to wrap my mind around, because who wouldn't be frustrated with an incompetent person, repeating the same mistakes over and over?

God never gets tired of us.  He knows our weaknesses and failures.  He created us this way - Psalm 103 proves this and says "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.  For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (103:13-14).

There is grace for the ways we fail. 

I was reading something by Beth Moore and it totally comforted me in my frustration over my own sin.  She was sharing the way she adores her grandson and pays attention to his every move.  She knows when he first slept through the night, when he rolled over from his stomach to his back, and when we smiled for the first time.  She cherishes every moment of his growing process, and relates it to our relationship with God this way:

"I don't sit over Jackson impatiently and wish he were suddenly grown.  I celebrate every step he takes.  Why do we think our Heavenly Father, who designed our bodies, souls, and spirits to operate just as they do, would be any different? No, God doesn't enjoy any child's stubborn unwillingness to grow up any more than I'd enjoy Jackson still crawling at six years of age.  But I'm convinced God thoroughly relishes every hint of maturity even if we feel as if we're not making progress."

I love that analogy to watching a baby grow.  You never want to rush the process, and you don't get frustrated when a baby can't do things adults can do.  That's exactly how God views us.  He watches over us and enjoys the small ways we grow, and understands when we stumble. He celebrates every step we take - even the baby steps. 

He doesn't expect our first steps to be perfect.  Or our second. Or our third.  But in every step we take, God rejoices for us.

God is with us in our struggles with sin, and when we commit the same sins again and again, He will never condemn us for them.  Romans 8:1 says "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

If there's anything that I've learned this year, its that our relationship with God is a process, and He understands when we stumble from time to time.  He gets it when we can't seem to fully conquer a sin and have to struggle through it. 

But there's another part of this process we need to be aware of.  We always need to be striving for growth - whether we are failing over again and again or learning and succeeding quickly.  We can't settle where we are and apathetically expect God to be happy with us.  We can't become careless about our sins, and cheaply accept the grace of God without understanding how much it cost Him.  We need to draw near to God, pushing forward through the stumbling and failures, so that we're not taking advantage of that grace.

Our growth and maturity in God is a process.  We aren't going to be perfect, or even come close to that.

There's grace for our repeated sins and constant failures.  He doesn't give up on me, and He understands that I am dust.  Praise God.

Summer Bucket List

• Go on a bike ride
• Run 10 miles
• Fishing
• Watch a meteor shower
• Tie dye
• Sponge fight
• Watch all of the LOTR movies
• Sidewalk chalk
• Bowling
• Make my family breakfast
• Watch the sunrise on the beach
• S'mores!
• Pick berries and eat them
• Go on a picnic
• Camp out
• Play a board game
• Catch fireflies
• Root beer float
• Watch clouds
• Go to a baseball game
• Homemade banana split
• Dunkin Donuts run at midnight
• Make my own smoothie
• Iced coffee on my deck
• Wear a fake mustache all day
• Mini golf
• Read C.S. Lewis
• Play messy twister
• Make at least 5 recipes I've pinned
• Geocaching somewhere new
• Snail mail my friends :)
• Run a race
• Memorize 30 new verses of the Bible
• Day trip to NYC
• Day trip to Boston
• Paddle boarding
• Go to Mr. Chubbies for ice cream
• Go to Caffeine Coffee Shop in Sono
• Cranbury Park
• Crash a wedding
• Hike a mountain
• Beach volleyball
• Pull a prank

confessions of a retail saleswoman

Many of you know about my shopping fast that I began for the entire year of 2013 (read about it here).  The beginning of my problem with shopping really began when I started working at my local Gap store last summer and realized I got 50% off of almost everything in the store. I went crazy, and most of my paychecks usually went right back to my store.

Well, this summer I decided that I would go back and work again at the Gap, since I was guaranteed to be hired again.  Going back would be easy because I wouldn't have to job search and relearn a new position somewhere else.  Some of my friends warned me that it would be too hard to maintain my fast while working in retail and I should try to find a new job, but I told them it was going to be easy.

Easy. HA! I sure ate those words.

Going to work for the first time was my first real time in a clothing store since December. Being in a retail store (not to mention one of my favorite stores) for around five hours a day is incredibly hard.  The temptation to buy clothing is everywhere, and being there for so long has made me feel like I need clothes.  At first, all I thought about was how I needed new shorts, the tank tops I own had shrunk, and I could get whatever I wanted for a much cheaper price.  I literally prayed my way through my first day because I wanted to buy new clothes so bad.  Some days as I've helped people find clothing, I would pick out my favorite items for them just so I can vicariously shop through them.  Every single time I've worked, I walked out of the doors, breathed a huge sigh of relief, and thanked God for helping me make it through that day.  I'm so thankful that most of the days I've worked this past week I've been put in the Kids and Baby department, so there is a little less temptation to buy those clothes. :)

This definitely was not the easy choice this summer.  But I'm realizing that the more I work, the more I get used to being around the clothes, and the less I want to buy them.  My perspective is shifting, and instead of thinking about how cheap I could get shirts or jeans, I'm thinking about all of the money I'm going to be able to save by not spending it on clothing.  I'm also realizing how lucky and blessed I am to own so much already.

The difference is that last year, I went into this job selfishly last year, only thinking about getting the best clothing for a low price.  This year, I went into this job without that expectation, and instead, I go into work praying for my coworkers and for the people I'm going to serve as I work.  I pray for a joyful attitude, even though its hard being there.  I'm praying for God to help me control my spending, and sometimes that He would make my taste in clothing change ;)

And what do ya know - I'm actually enjoying my job a LOT more than I did last summer! Even without the benefit of cheaper clothing, I know that I'm going to get more out of this job than before.  This definitely isn't easy, but I know its the best thing for me right now. 

when you don't feel like having your quiet time

I have a confession to make:

There are a lot of times when I really don't feel like having a "quiet time," or spending time reading the Bible or in prayer.  There are a lot of times when I don't feel like going to church or acting "Christian" either.

I have another confession:

I hate admitting that I struggle with consistency in my quiet times.  And I usually don't admit it.  I fake it to myself, to others, and to God that I'm totally fine and not actually facing a season of dryness. I'm an RA at Liberty University, leading a hall of 60-70 girls, and have been a spiritual leader in my church at home in CT, so how could I admit that as such a responsible "leader" to others?  I have too much weighing on my reputation to confess that sometimes I can go weeks without cracking open my Bible.

But I'm posting this confession on the internet because I've learned a lot through this struggle, and as I continue to press on in the midst of feeling spiritually dry, I hope this helps someone who is struggling too.

Because we all go through it.  No one can be on a spiritual high forever.  We can't spend our lives on top of the mountain.  We grow from our times of dryness, our times of apathy, and our struggles.  This is the only way that God can test us, shape us, and sharpen us. 

I've been a Christian for eight years now, and I'm just now figuring out this pattern that I continually perform when I find myself in a season of apathy or spiritual dryness.

I can't even tell you how many times I have prolonged spending time with God because I've felt bad that I haven't given Him the time He deserved in the past.  I waited to come to Him until I had earned my way to Him again - until I was good enough for Him to listen to.

But that wasn't right.  I didn't have to wait to earn the right to be heard.  He knows that we fail Him and that we aren't good enough - we will never be good enough for Him.

So I turned my season of dryness into a cycle that has repeated itself more times than I can count - I stop having a daily quiet time because I don't feel like it, then the guilt of not giving God the time He deserves keeps me away from Him, and I don't go to Him again until I feel like I've been good enough to earn it.

From my own personal experiences, the only way to get through a season where you don't feel like spending time with God is to push through it.  A friend of mine once told me "fake it till you make it," and after thinking about it, I think that in this case it's true.  Keep having a quiet time - even if the whole time you're telling God how much you don't want to talking Him at the moment. 

Last week, I wrote this in my journal:

God, I'm going to be honest - right now I really just don't want to spend time with you.  I'm bored with you and I'm not excited by you anymore.  I want to spend time with you, but have no motivation to.  I try to force myself to spend time with you, but I really don't feel like it.
But you know what? Those honest words weren't a surprise to Him.  I can't hide behind a mask of "everything's fine" to Him when they're not.  He wants us to go to Him in the midst of apathy and spiritual drought.  He knows how we are anyways - why try to disguise it from God?

Another thing you can try when you don't feel like spending time with God is changing what you do for your usual quiet time.  I will go on a run outside and pray as I run, or listen to podcasts from some of my favorite pastors.  Sometimes I have to change what I'm reading in Scripture, or try reading another book altogether that might excite me about God again.

Or, try spending time with people who are thriving in their relationships with God.  Their love and passion for Him might rub off and make you want to improve your relationship with Him.

Overall, the best thing I've learned to do when I don't feel like having my quiet time is to push through those feelings and have it anyways.  Know that when you seek God and draw near to Him, He doesn't leave you there.  He reaches His arms out to wherever you are.

Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Endure through the feelings that fluctuate and prove your devotion to God by spending time in His Word when you don't want to.  Our feelings will change constantly, but God never does. 

And I know that God will once again give me the desire to want to spend time with Him.  But until then, I will press on and learn that my relationship with Him isn't based on how I feel about Him on a day to day basis. 

on humility and anxiety

This week is the last week of school, which means final exams and projects, packing up my life in a dorm room, moving my things into storage, as well as my RA responsibilities that come with the end of the year - making sure all 24 rooms and 70 girls are checked out of their rooms and have cleaned it to "white glove" standard.  The end of the semester also means final leadership team meetings, meetings with future leadership teams, organizing end-of-year projects with my Rwanda team, job interviews, final accountabilities with friends, oh and fitting in time to study for tests and write papers. Whoo. I'm tired just thinking about it all.

So the past week has been extremely stressful.  The other night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, and for one of the first times I experienced true anxiety.  My heart was beating fast and my mind was racing. How am I going to accomplish everything in just one week? How can I meet with all of these different people, do well on exams, turn in projects, pack my life up, and clean my whole room? 

I was freaking out that night because I was realizing that I can't. There is no way that I can get everything done, but there is nothing that I can cut out.  I have to do all of it, and meet with all of these people.   I had to try to force myself to stop thinking about my list of things to do so that I could sleep, but all of the thoughts kept running through my head until those thoughts wore me out. 

The next morning I was reading 1 Peter and was struck by verse 5-7, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 

Its not like this was the first time I had read these verses, but I think my eyes were finally opened to how to apply this to my life.  God loves the humble in heart and shows them grace.  He opposes the proud and they do not receive God's favor.  So, this makes me want to be humble in everything because I so badly want to receive God's grace and mercy.  I know that I am not perfect - and that is why I am humbled - I'm not always right and I fail so often.  I need God's grace because of all the mistakes I make every day, and through all of it I can't stand without Him.  I am humbled because I know I have done wrong, and I need God to make it right.  I want to be rid of all my pride so that I can have more of God's grace.  

The next part of the passage talks about casting anxiety on the Lord, but I think that the reason why we need to do that is because anxiety is a sign of pride, and God opposes the proud. 

Its crazy how humility and casting anxiety off are connected.  If I am anxious, then I am not trusting the Lord. I'm being prideful because I don't trust that God will take care of things - I am depending on myself to do things. 

Humility brings peace because it means that I am recognizing that accomplishing everything does not depend on me at all, and I am depending on the Lord. I am humbled because I realize how small I am, and how capable God is in handling it.  I cast my anxiety, which is prideful, off and pick up humility and peace, because I understand that I lay my pride and anxiety down to receive the grace that He gives through humility.  When I am humble, God gives me the grace to make mistakes and know that I don't have to be perfect. 

So, for all of you who are stressing about everything that you have to - take a deep breath, and understand that this season of busyness is not lasting.  It will be over soon! In the mean time, cast off anxiety and the pride that comes with it, and have humility facing your long to-do list.  It doesn't all depend on you.  God can handle it.