one month later

It's been over a month since I got back from Rwanda.  I think I might be ready to write about it.

Many of you have heard me share my stories, so I thank you for coming back to this blog to read more about it after already listening. Talking about it helps me understand, but writing it down is totally different.  I don't want to mess it up.  I don't want to record someone's story in the wrong way. I don't know how to really express what I've seen and felt through typed words on a screen. I don't know what write, even though I had filled over half of a journal during my week in Rwanda. I know that this experience is something that I will remember for the rest of my life, and I'll always be learning from it. So how do I begin writing about something that has totally changed and wrecked my life?

I know I have to start somewhere.  Its been a month, and I may have stopped crying over my memories of Rwanda, but nothing about my longing for that country has faded away.  

Whenever I've been on a trip - whether its a family vacation or a missions trip - I always here people saying, "Can we just stay here forever?" It makes sense that people say that - they enjoy the new experience of being on a vacation or in an area that needs help, so they want to stay.  We don't want to go on living our normal lives, returning to the stress that is around us.  We joke around about missing our flight and how great it would be to stay, but we all know that the time will come for us leave our temporary trips and go back to our normal lives. 

But when I went to Rwanda, it was different.  The feelings I had were so much deeper than a fluffy desire to be in a vacation spot or the feeling of being needed in a desperate area.  I felt at home there.  The minute our plane landed, I felt peace, like it was where God had purposed me to be. And then the minute our plane took off to return to the US, I felt like my heart was being ripped out, like I was missing something, like I had left something behind.

Photo by Cyrus Mad-Bondo

During class one day, as I was thinking about the children and not the lecture that my professor was giving, I thought of Philippians 1:8, "For God is my witness, how I yearn for you with the affection of Christ Jesus."  This verse summarizes my feelings right now.  Its more than just missing the Rwandan people. Its more than not wanting to leave the country.  Its the knowledge that there are bigger things to be doing, and more important things to be thinking about.  Its a longing deep in my soul to be with them again. 

Photo by Jimmy Thomas

My reflections over the past few weeks have been of the children that I met there.  I played with dozens and dozens of orphans and children in the schools.  I want to make sure you know that my heart for those children goes much deeper than just having a nice picture with a cute kid.  I still hear their voices, I still feel their touch, and my arms feel too light not being able to hold them.  I think about them literally all the time - I go to bed thinking about them and praying for them and wake up in the morning doing the same.  When I see their faces, I remember that its not just a picture that I am looking at, or that seems nice in a frame.  They are real children, living real lives, thousands of miles away.  Each one has a story, a history. God created each one with unique passions and personalities.  When I see their faces, I think about that, so that they don't just become a memory that I had in college, but the first step in God working in my life to do something for them.  I believe that God has put it on my heart to be with them, to show them not only my love, but most importantly Christ's love as well.

I just don't know how yet.

So I continue to pray, to look at the pictures, and to miss them.  I know that I will see their faces again, and that brings me comfort and joy.